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1
The Laughter Zone / Re: Post Office
« Last post by chorleydave on August 19, 2017, 18:11 »
:lol:
2
The Laughter Zone / Re: SUBJECT: RETIREMENT DEFINED
« Last post by chorleydave on August 19, 2017, 18:10 »
 :laugh:
3
The Buzz / Re: August 16th 1977
« Last post by chorleydave on August 19, 2017, 18:08 »
It was the summer holidays from college and I used to work with my late best mate as a labourer for his dad (who was a builder) during the holidays.  They picked me up in the car from outside my parents and announced that Elvis was dead.

I wasn't particularly bothered.
4
The Laughter Zone / Re: SUBJECT: RETIREMENT DEFINED
« Last post by Simon on August 19, 2017, 16:27 »
 :laugh:
5
The Laughter Zone / SUBJECT: RETIREMENT DEFINED
« Last post by Clive on August 19, 2017, 15:38 »
WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT !



QUESTION: How many days in a week?

ANSWER: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



QUESTION: When is a retiree's bedtime?

ANSWER: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.



QUESTION: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?



Answer:



Only one, but it might take all day.



QUESTION: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

ANSWER: There is not enough time to get everything done.



QUESTION: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

ANSWER: The term comes with a 10% discount.



QUESTION: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

ANSWER: Tied shoes.



QUESTION: Why do retirees count pennies?

ANSWER: They are the only ones who have the time.



QUESTION: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?

ANSWER: NUTS!



QUESTION: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?

ANSWER: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.



QUESTION: What do retirees call a long lunch?

ANSWER: Normal.



QUESTION: What is the best way to describe retirement?



ANSWER: The never ending Coffee Break.



QUESTION: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?

ANSWER: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



QUESTION: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the
people he used to work with?

ANSWER: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

ANSWER: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.



SERENITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....

'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

about being 104?' the reporter asked...

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is

you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.



I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter
than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to

blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my

hands and feet anymore. Can't remember

if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to

join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and

down, and perspired for an hour. But,

by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over.



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast
relief.'



THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway, the good fortune

to run into the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.



Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh
heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
6
The Laughter Zone / Re: Post Office
« Last post by davy51 on August 19, 2017, 02:17 »
 :laugh:
7
The Laughter Zone / Re: Post Office
« Last post by Simon on August 18, 2017, 22:29 »
 :)x
8
The Laughter Zone / Post Office
« Last post by Clive on August 18, 2017, 21:58 »
A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.
 
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
 
"Okay, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
 
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
 
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
 
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.
 
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
 
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."
9
The Buzz / Re: Sir Bruce Forsyth has died
« Last post by daveeb on August 18, 2017, 20:57 »
Still, at 89, didn't he do well!   :D

arf  ;D
10
The Buzz / Re: Sir Bruce Forsyth has died
« Last post by Simon on August 18, 2017, 20:54 »
Still, at 89, didn't he do well!   :D
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