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Author Topic: Groaner thread  (Read 110604 times)

Offline Clive

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Groaner thread
« on: November 03, 2002, 16:21 »
EFFICIENCY AT WORK

A friend tells me that when the driver of a huge tractor
trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty
tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter
of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former
tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.  Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth
reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was that white stuff you used to get all of the
pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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Offline Sandra

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2002, 16:25 »
AAAAHHHH thats terrible even for you Clive  ::)

Offline Barra

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2002, 16:36 »
::)Now I know what I've been missing ;D
img]http://www.sandrataylor.dsl.pipex.com/pennyfarthing_button.gif[/img]I'm back!

Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2002, 16:38 »
Lots more where that came from!  ;D  Wait till Serenity starts up!
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Offline Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2002, 16:39 »
Oh NO!!!  You've got a cache now haven't you Clive!!   ;D ;D
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Offline bat69

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2002, 22:07 »
Here we go again, ::)

Keep 'em coming Clive :D
url=http://www.pc-pals.com/userpics/bat69bc.swf]Flash[/url]

Offline Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2002, 22:11 »
OK, my turn.  ;D

A Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative."

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
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Offline Serenity

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2002, 07:19 »
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his
lines. After some time in the wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger
and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line
'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
 
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's
practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes.

The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with
great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress."
 
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but
the director is steaming!
"You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"
 
The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?"
 
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the bloody rose!"  ;D  ;D

Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2002, 07:45 »
I'm sorry Serenity but I have to disqualify that joke as a groaner.  It was far too funny.   ;D  ;D  ;D
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Offline Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2002, 08:28 »
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."    ;D
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Offline Serenity

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2002, 08:08 »
A Post Halloween Story...





A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......

BUMP...



BUMP...


BUMP... behind him.



Walking faster he looks back,

and makes out the image of an upright

coffin banging its way down the middle of the

street towards him



BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...


faster...


faster...


BUMP...


BUMP....


BUMP.



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him, However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ..


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


...

...

...

...

...
clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man.... .


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps....


With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.


The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Cough Syrup

Desperate, he throws the Cough Syrup as hard as he can at the apparition.


and the coffin stops!

Just like the bottle said it would   ;D  ;D
 




Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2002, 08:12 »
Groannnnnnnnn.  ;D  ;D  ;D
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Offline Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2002, 18:48 »
One fine day in a small restaurant in a small town by a small river in a small county of France, there was a chef named Le-Faice.

Le-Faice was a big butch Frenchman who took enormous pride in his strange and unusual variety of cuisine... until one day when a young waiter requested a squid for one of the customers.

"The squid must be mild-mannered, green of colour, and have a moustache!" exclaimed the waiter.

"No problem!" replied Le-Faice, "We have one left."

But there were problems, for as Le-Faice prepared to slaughter the freak squid, he couldn't help noticing how cute it looked sitting on his chopping board. In fact, after 3 attempts at raising his cleaver to kill the squid, a tear rolled down his cheek with pity. "I can not do it!" he cried "I can not kill this poor defenceless, mild-mannered, moustached squid of the green complexion".

So, Le-Faice grabbed Hans (the German dish-washer) and gave him the cleaver. "Kill!" shouted Le-Faice, pointing at the squid, but Hans was weak and was also unable to bring harm to such a cute looking thing.

And you know what that means?

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Le-Faice with mild green hairy-lipped squids!   ;D
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Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2002, 18:58 »
I hate you Simon!  ;D  ;D  ;D
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Offline Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2002, 19:05 »
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c0cktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old mate. Come out and see me again!"

"No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked."

Justin cried back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...


     (are you ready for this...??)


... I'm a prawn again, Christian!"    ;D ;D
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