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Author Topic: Jewish Comedians  (Read 1120 times)

Offline Clive

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Jewish Comedians
« on: December 21, 2016, 20:15 »
There was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
 
* I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

> * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
 
* We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

> * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea .

> * She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

> * The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

> * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
> Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
 
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
> Doctor: "Don't answer!"

> * A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
> The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
> They're worth it.
 
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
>
> There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
> In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
 
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
> A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
 
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
> A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
 
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
> "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
> The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
> She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
> The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
> The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
 
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
> She asks, "What part is it?"
> The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
> The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
 
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
> A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
>
> Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
> They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
 
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
> "Force yourself," she replied.
 
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
> A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
 
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
> A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
 
 Ah, memories of the good old days.
 
Winner BBC Quiz of the Year 2015, 2016 and yet again in 2017.

Offline Simon

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Re: Jewish Comedians
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2016, 21:43 »
Love them!   :laugh:

But why is this in Sports and Games?   :facepalm:
Many thanks to all our members, who have made PC Pals such an outstanding success!   :thumb:

Offline Clive

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Re: Jewish Comedians
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2016, 22:16 »
 :blush: One cannot get the quality of staff these days. 
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Offline Simon

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Re: Jewish Comedians
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2016, 22:43 »
:sigh:

Still, not long now until you have to relinquish your title as Quiz of The Year Champion.   :leer:
Many thanks to all our members, who have made PC Pals such an outstanding success!   :thumb:

Offline Clive

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Re: Jewish Comedians
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2016, 14:23 »
Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
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