PC Pals Forum
General Discussion => The Laughter Zone => Topic started by: Clive on November 03, 2002, 16:21
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EFFICIENCY AT WORK
A friend tells me that when the driver of a huge tractor
trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty
tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter
of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former
tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth
reconstructed and good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was that white stuff you used to get all of the
pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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AAAAHHHH thats terrible even for you Clive ::)
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::)Now I know what I've been missing ;D
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Lots more where that came from! ;D Wait till Serenity starts up!
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Oh NO!!! You've got a cache now haven't you Clive!! ;D ;D
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Here we go again, ::)
Keep 'em coming Clive :D
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OK, my turn. ;D
A Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his
lines. After some time in the wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger
and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line
'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's
practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes.
The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with
great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress."
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but
the director is steaming!
"You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"
The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?"
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the bloody rose!" ;D ;D
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I'm sorry Serenity but I have to disqualify that joke as a groaner. It was far too funny. ;D ;D ;D
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." ;D
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A Post Halloween Story...
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back,
and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the
street towards him
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him, However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ..
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.... .
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps....
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Cough Syrup
Desperate, he throws the Cough Syrup as hard as he can at the apparition.
and the coffin stops!
Just like the bottle said it would ;D ;D
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Groannnnnnnnn. ;D ;D ;D
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One fine day in a small restaurant in a small town by a small river in a small county of France, there was a chef named Le-Faice.
Le-Faice was a big butch Frenchman who took enormous pride in his strange and unusual variety of cuisine... until one day when a young waiter requested a squid for one of the customers.
"The squid must be mild-mannered, green of colour, and have a moustache!" exclaimed the waiter.
"No problem!" replied Le-Faice, "We have one left."
But there were problems, for as Le-Faice prepared to slaughter the freak squid, he couldn't help noticing how cute it looked sitting on his chopping board. In fact, after 3 attempts at raising his cleaver to kill the squid, a tear rolled down his cheek with pity. "I can not do it!" he cried "I can not kill this poor defenceless, mild-mannered, moustached squid of the green complexion".
So, Le-Faice grabbed Hans (the German dish-washer) and gave him the cleaver. "Kill!" shouted Le-Faice, pointing at the squid, but Hans was weak and was also unable to bring harm to such a cute looking thing.
And you know what that means?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Le-Faice with mild green hairy-lipped squids! ;D
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I hate you Simon! ;D ;D ;D
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c0cktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old mate. Come out and see me again!"
"No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked."
Justin cried back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...
(are you ready for this...??)
... I'm a prawn again, Christian!" ;D ;D
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Now hold it right there Simon! That's MY joke and I demand it back. Have you been rummaging about in my computer again?
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Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,ut that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...........
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO'S." ;D ;D
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Oh NO!!!! Dreadful Serenity! ;D ;D ;D
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Oh Serenity that ones nearly as old as Clive :D
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Hee hee it was a good groaner Serenity, you next Clive ;D
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Ask, and you shall receive. ;D
What do you get when you cross one of Lassie's puppies
with a cantaloupe?
A melon collie baby ;D ;D ;D
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They just get better all the time ;D ;D
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THE VAMPIRE AND THE NUNS
Driving home one dark and stormy night, two nuns were
shocked when a vampire landed right on the hood of their
car.
With gleaming yellow eyes and razor-sharp fangs dripping
with blood, he slowly scratched on the windshield as the
red spatters ran up the glass onto the roof.
The nun who was driving and trying valiantly to keep the
car on the road, screamed to the other nun, "Show him
your cross!"
Immediately, the other nun leaned out of the car window
and yelled, "Get the hell off the hood of this car, now!"
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That was cleaned up a bit Clive!! ;) ;D ;D
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But of course! ;D ;D ;D
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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, calm down. Be a
little patient."
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is nearly dead!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger gave the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and started running in circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
... "Nothin'... but you left your Injun runnin'."
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Why do Canibals never eat clowns?
"Because they taste funny."
--
A piece of toast walks into a bar.
The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry we don't
serve food here."
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Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick
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One day, Smartie and Polo were enjoying a quiet drink in a bar. The bar door opened and in walked Humbug.
"Oh no!" shouted Polo, and dived underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" asked Smartie.
"That humbug always slaps me and bullies me whenever I see him, so I'm hiding," replied Polo.
"You should stand up to him," said the Smartie. "He'll respect you if you do."
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a smack.
"Get lost you stripey git, or I'll knock you out," said Polo.
"Na, no problem Polo mate, leave it," said Humbug and backed off.
Next night Smartie and Polo are sitting in the bar when Humbug walks in with his friend Tune.
"Oh no!" shouted Polo, and dived underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" asked Smartie.
"I know you told me to stand up to bullies, but he's with Tune," replied Polo.
"So?" said Smartie.
"He's bloody menthol." ;D ;D
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A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
MK: "It's very brave of you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago I was driving, with my uncle, when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, they did all they could, but they couldn't save my legs."
MK: "That's terrible Simon, but I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine. With all the advances in medical science, they could graft his
legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
** MUCH AUDIENCE APPLAUSE **
MK: "That's fantastic. So Simon, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be..."Simon and half uncle" ;D ;D
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Oh gawd!! That certainly qualifies! ;D ;D ;D
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AT THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT
Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?"
"I don't know," Sid replied, "why don't we ask the
waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and
he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No
Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went
back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe
there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered
everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I just can't
believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied, exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape
Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
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There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
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I laughed my mule off! ;D
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Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
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A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head, and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."
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A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of sirloin
hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the barman about it and the barman replies, "It's
a competition. If you can jump high enough to get the
meat down you get dinner on the house. But if you miss
you have to buy a round for the whole bar."
The guy thinks about it and says, "No, I don't think
so... the steaks are too high!'
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Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?"
asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked
the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's not an offense", said the judge. "How early were you
doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.
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Q:
If a bra is an Upper Topper Flopper Stopper,
& a jock strap is a Lower Decker Pecker Checker,
& a roll of toilet tissue is a Super Duper Pooper
Scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father
has diarrhea?
A:
A Slap Happy Jappy, with a Crap Happy Pappy! ::) ;D
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That's bad Serenity. Very bad. ;D ;D ;D
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My uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning.
Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.
Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and, walk on to the next one.
Uncle John was so proud that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Prize but the Pullet Surprise as well!
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"
Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." :o ;D
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As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with
tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was quite disillusioned with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away -- tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem," said Joe, "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
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NOOOOOO!!!! ;D ;D
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A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell
rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach
was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him
between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the
doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the
cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him,
kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the
doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach
was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him
several times before running off. The gravely injured man
managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an
ambulance. He was rushed to the emergency room, where they
saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his
rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man
explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks,
culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a
nasty bug going around.
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That's a very bad one! ;D
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I only just spotted this thread ;D I know enough terrible jokes to bring you to tears Clive >:D
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Well here's another for you Whiskas. ;D
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her
killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment
for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
"Artie chokes two for a dollar at safeway."
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Clive ... YOU are BAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD ;D ;D ;D
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A man started a new job at the zoo. The first task he was given by the zoo owner was to clean out the tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species. While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his new job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.
The zoo owner didn't notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job mucking out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over-familiar and, in an attempt to keep them away, the man lashed out with his spade, killing two of the chimps. In his panic, he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions, because lions eat anything.
The zoo owner was very pleased with the man's work and as a final task for that day, asked him to collect honey from the zoo's beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing a couple of hundred bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well, because lions eat anything.
The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo and enquired of the existing residents "What's the food like here?" To which one of the other lions replied "Oh, it's brilliant! Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees."
(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hogarth.alivewww.co.uk%2Fsmilies%2Fwhynot.gif&hash=c0b0360f2d0e33283d67bf54152a38b61526df2f)
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Oh goddddd! That earns its place here! ;D
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Q. "Why do mice have such small balls?"
A. "Because only a few know how to dance."
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What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam!
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What is the longest word in the English dictionaire? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Answer: "Smiles", because there is a mile between the first and the last letter.
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A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with her and asked, "Where does you go to school?"
The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
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Two peanuts were walking down the street. And one was assaulted
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Q.What did the monk say when returning to his monestary after a trip around the world?
A. The world is my cloister.
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Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
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Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Auntie
Auntie who?
Auntie you glad granny's gone
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Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!
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What flys and wobbles?
A jellycopter
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What do you call a dog with a phone on it's head?
Golden Receiver
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Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
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Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
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A polar bear walks into a bar and the barman says, "what would you like to drink?". The polar bear hangs his head and sighs deeply and then says "I'll have a pint of bitter barman". The barman looks at the bear and says "why the big paws?"
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Q. What do you call a spider without any legs?
A. A currant
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What is an igg?
answer:an eskimos home without a toilet!!!
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There are three types of people in the world ... those that can count and those that can't.
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What is green and holds up stagecoaches?
Dick Gherkin
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Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled
"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
For making an obscene clone fall.
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Blame Eagleseye for this one. ;D
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
He starts this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps start throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly.
He's really worried now, so what does he do?
He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.
He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes
the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because
lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says
"What's the food like in here?".
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees".
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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man", shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand." ;D 8)
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:pmsl:
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. When it's served, he asks how much it will be. "For you," the bartender answers,
"no charge."
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A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered. Mr. Jones looked out the window and screamed, "Oh No! One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet a second engine exploded. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.
Standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers, and they sat down as the pilot walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
"Yep," affirmed the pilot.
"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
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A German Shepherd went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
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Q. What happened to the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
A. He lay awake every night, worrying if there is a Dog.
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A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery
and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in
time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever
tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the
chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one
says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. I just
wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and
chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so--I am the chip monk."
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A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
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(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apax34.dsl.pipex.com%2Fsmileys%2Fnoooo.gif&hash=12c5fff9ebadd41c4991862c91f57e56a09f16d6) :believe: :kid: That one's even older than Clive!! ;D ;D
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Surely you exaggerate, Simon? :kid2:
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CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday when airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles.
Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.
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This is a groaner and a blonde joke ;D
The Blonde Breaks Down
One day while driving along the Interstate, a blonde's car suddenly breaks down. She eases the car over onto the shoulder of the road and carefully steps out and opens the trunk.
Out jumps two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst chain-reaction traffic accidents in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the blonde, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
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What do you call a deer that has no eyes?
NO EYE Deer.
If you don't get it: No idea.
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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
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Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a tiny Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I
don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the
preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you."
So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied.
The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave every other day.
Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face as
smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought, that's amazing.
Normally, he would need to shave daily to keep this clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace... and once shaved, always shaved."
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(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apax34.dsl.pipex.com%2Fsmileys%2Fhuh3.gif&hash=4abd759e0210383f541e6a160775b4f6f4532ae6)
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Heathen Simon!! Philistine! Cast not thy pearls before swine saith the Lord. :heehee:
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Repent Simon! Or have you not pented at all yet? :-[
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I get what the joke is, but I've never heard that expression before, not being religious in any sense of the word!
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Shame on you Simon - you must know that this is a very religious forum ;) I've heard god mentioned frequently (usually when the computer plays up tho)!!
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Clearly there is no evidence that Simon has ever pented. ;D ;D ;D
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WARNING!
> >
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A local man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a "Cereal Killer" ;D
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The banana has now been removed from his ass and police are looking into it. ;D
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This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bag boy replies, "But I've been working here for five years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager explains, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers!"
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A miner enjoyed painting, but he was too poor to buy canvasses. So he painted on the walls of his cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths
broke in and defaced his paintings. They were caught and taken to court, where they were charged with "corrupting the murals of a miner."
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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams." ::) ;D
-
That one's not up to your usual standard....Serenity.
Perhapse it's too early for you yet... :P :P :P
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Q. What's brown and sticky?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
A. A stick.
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
Picket! ;D
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Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that
Brewster's bell had not rung at all!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation!
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.
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:aarrgh:
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:pmsl: :funny: :lol:
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Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: Megasorearse
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss
Q :What do you call a dinosaur with no eye?
A: Doyathinkhesawus.
Q: 10 cows in a field, Which ones closest to Iraq ?
A: Cow 8
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?!?"
Bill & Ben are sat in a bathtub, Bill goes "flobalobalob" Ben says "if that stinks I'm getting out!"
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:funny: Cammy your getting Worse ;D :P
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A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with
delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea
how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an
18-year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55-year-old arse?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.
"The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes,and then he said,
"Beats f*ck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
-
A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice
call from behind a sand dune. "One man from West Virginia is better than ten Iraqis."
The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune
whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then,
silence.
The voice once again calls out "One man from West Virginia is better than one hundred Iraqi."
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
again, silence.
The Rebel voice calls out again "One man from West Virginia is better than one thousand Iraqi."
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and
cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and
with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more
men......it's a trap. There are two of them.
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Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag???
Ones white plastic and a danger to children the other is what you put your shopping in!!
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2 parrots on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish.
think about it.. ;) ;D ;D ;D
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Why did the boy fall from his bicycle?
Because someone threw a fridge at him..
:soz:
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What do you have if a clairvoyant midget escapes from prison?
A small, medium at large.
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A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Life Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of the **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut.
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A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6-foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him, and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man
managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an
ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6-foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
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How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi jam in.
How do Bob Marley's mates like their doughnuts?
Dunno. But we hope they like jam in too
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When traveling in Spain, why are trains preferred to flying?
.
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.
.
.
.
Everybody knows
The rain
in Spain
Stays mainly
on the plane.
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This one's been posted before, but I thought it might be enjoyed again...
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?" enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
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A rabbit goes into a bar and asks for a cheese toastie and a pint. He eats the toastie and drinks the pint, then leaves.
The next day he walks into the bar and asks for a ham toastie and a pint. He eats the toastie and drinks the pint, then leaves.
The following day the rabbit walks into the bar and asks for a cheese and ham toastie and a pint. He eats the toastie, drinks the pint, runs around the room for a bit then drops dead.
Oh dear says the bar-man, it looks like another case of mixin' me toasties.
:aarrgh:
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." ;)
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Whats the difference between snowmen and snowwomen
Snowballs...... :P
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Whats black and swings thru the jungle??
Tarzan the wheelie bin!!! ??? :-[
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This guy went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA".
"That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.
The guy says "Sure." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".
After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say "HONDA." It is a completely out of this world medical condition.
Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and examining it.
The dentist says "A-haa!!!!....I have solved the problem."
The patient says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc".....
The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."
The guy says "Yeah....so....What has that got to do with my farts?"
The dentist replies....
(scroll down)....
Have you guessed.......?
Can't you see??.....
"Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"
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:mg: :help: :sanity:
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Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
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Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says
'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital.
On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks
'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'
'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.
'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.
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Did you hear that the Iraqi Minister of Information commited suicide this morning?
He'll be announcing it in 5 minutes. :)
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I got this one out of Dr Serenity's remedy book.
Q. How do you cure constipation?
A. Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse.
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Two snowmen sat next to each other in garden at winter, one turns to the other and says, can u smell carrots.
:-\
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British troops out in Iraq run out of food supplies, they walk around in the dunes for days, when one of them shouts "Look!...It's a bacon tree!
Sure enough they all look over the dune to see what appears to be a bacon tree.
Being cautious, they first sent 2 soldiers to go over and check it out and when they reach the tree, they suddenly drop down dead.
Another 2 troops walk over and they also drop dead upon approaching the tree....
The squadron leader calls out to the rest of the troops "Keep away from it lads, it's not a bacon tree it's an ambush" ((hambush)) :-X
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Paddy and Murphy are at a skiing resort. they get to the top of a slope ready to ski down it, and Murphy says to Paddy "Before i start, should i zig zag down the hill, or zag zig ?"
Paddy replies "I've never done this before so i don't know".
So the pair see another bloke at the top of the slope, they go over to him and Paddy asks, "Excuse me mate, Is it zig zag, or zag zig down the hill?"
The bloke says to them, "Sorry lads, i dunno...I'm a tabogganist".
Murphy says, "Oh, that's good, can i have 20 B&H and a box of matches then please?". 8)
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Sorry Camstop but I think I win today's prize. ;D
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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Well i aint giving up that easy... ;)
Why do the French people smell of onions?
So that blind people can hate them too.
How do you know there is an elephant in your fridge ?
footprints in the butter !
What is black & white & eats like a horse ?
A zebra !
:P :P :P
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Touche. I give in. ;D ;D ;D
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You ain't seen nuffin yet!!
What do you call a mushroom that runs into a bar and buys a round of drinks for everyone?
I guess that would be a Fun Guy.
It has just been reported that miniature fighter planes piloted by specially trained circus midgets, have flown several shorties against Iraq today.
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
-
Friday 25th of April 2003 will henceforth be known as "Black Friday" after all these dreadful jokes. :heehee:
-
Q. What's the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone?
A. You can't hear a Vitamin.
-
This one is for anyone who either
a) has kids
b) had kids who have now grown
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid!
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
As I was trying to pack for Holiday, my 3-year-old
daughter was having a wonderful
time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad,
look at this," and stuck out two
of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached
out and stuck her fingers in my
mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I
rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her finger with a
devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong
honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
:D :D :D ::)
-
:aarrgh:
-
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
:D :D :D :D
-
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
8)
-
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the
steaks are too high.'
;D
-
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself
:-[
-
Absolutely dreadful! :heehee:
-
I went to the doctor and said it hurts when I lift my arm. "Well, don't do it" he replied.
-
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
Hold on to your seat .
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
-
;D
A Duck walks into a bar and says "
Got any bread?"
And the barman says "No"
The next day the Duck returns and says "Got any bread?"
And the barman, "No!".
The following day the Duck returns and says "Got any bread?"
"I told you yesterday, N-O NO!"
The next day the Duck returns and says "Got any bread?"
"For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO! !"
The day after the Duck returns and says "Got any bread?"
"Look, if you ask me one more damn time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your damn beak to the damn bar!!"
The next day the Duck returns and says
"Got any nails?"
"No!"
"Got any bread?
-
:pmsl: Good one to start the day Hook!
-
:pmsl: :funny: ah well thats made me smile ;D time for work! 8)
-
;D
Two Punks are making love on the floor of their apartment, listening to punk music as they do.
The Punkette asks: "Is that Johnny Rotten?"
"No" replies the Punk "I've only used it twice!"
-
:mg:
-
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
::)
-
Another just to set the day up with a smile ;D
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
-
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.
One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband
was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he
was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where
I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
;D
-
:eeek: just when you thought the jokes couldn't get any worse ;D ;D
:thanks: Hook :)
-
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in
a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs
the air and says"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the
hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger
moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can
smell is Molasses."
8)
-
A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him, "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana". The bear, very angry now, says, "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says, "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat, and again demands a beer. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana that are on drugs."he bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "Yes you are........that was a barbitchyouate."
-
Blonde or Groaner.. your call :D
Newlywed Blonde Joke
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
-
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it.
He did that and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. "I did," he said. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." :o
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[attachment deleted by admin]
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Brendan and Mary were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
:-\
-
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
----
A booster cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't try to start
anything."
----
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
----
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-
Two parrots sat on a perch.
One turns to the other and says:
"Can you smell fish?"
;D
-
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
-
Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.
Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.
When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.
God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"
God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."
-
A tragedy at the optician's shop today. A girl fell into the lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of herself.
;D
-
A butcher backed into the meatgrinder and got a little behind in his orders
-
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
-
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
-
Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room, waits for some news. A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and bad news. The good news - he'll make a full recovery.
The bad news - he'll be a vegetable for life." ::) ;D
-
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually becameovergrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...
Are you ready for this ?
Are you sure! ?
Remember, YOU WERE WARNED!
He proclaimed: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
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(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apax34.dsl.pipex.com%2Fsmileys%2Fnoooo.gif&hash=12c5fff9ebadd41c4991862c91f57e56a09f16d6) (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apax34.dsl.pipex.com%2Fsmileys%2Fsanity.gif&hash=5e650d9baea6739557edc3dc863f6d1cc39b6447)
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A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Certainly Sir" says Ricky Gervais the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from this tank?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Gervais. "He's my favourite! He's so small, cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one."
So Gervais gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and... the little squid looks up and smiles at him, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin.
"It's no good," says Gervais. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big tough brute, he'll be able to do the evil deed."
So out comes Hans, while Gervais disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.
So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him.
You ready for it??
Hans that do dishes is as soft as Gervais with mild green hairy lip squid.
:P
-
Every night Joe would go down to the offy,
get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while
he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell
rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot
cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the
collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after Joe finished his fourth beer,
the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and
found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.
The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer,
the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach
was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin,
and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then
the big bug left.
The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat
the tar out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living
room floor.
The following day Joe went to see his doctor. He
explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do", he pleaded.
"Not much, I'm afraid", the doctor replied. "There's
just a nasty bug going around."
Sorry :P
-
It,s a bad winter all over and a local vet gets a phone call from a distressed farmer."you need to come over asap my cows are frozen to the bone".
The vet obliges and on seeing the farmers cows tells him there is nothing he can do."you must know someone who can help me,it,s my livelyhood".
I do know this woman who may be able to help,i will give her a call.
An hour passes and an old hefty woman drives up in a car and proceeds to lay her hands on one of the cows.Amazingly the cow bursts in to life and
walks round the field.She then in turn goes round each &every one until they are all doing what cows do.
The astonished farmer can,t thank her enough and asks what she wants in payment.
"I don,t do it for the money"replies the woman ".
"Well can i at least ask your name please"says the farmer.
To which the woman replies..................................................
.................
......THORA HERD.................
:-X ::) :P
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I don't think this one can compete with your last three Camstop. ;D
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W. Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
-
NOT AGAIN!!!! >:( :o
http://pc-pals.com/index.php?board=9;action=display;threadid=4089;start=0
http://pc-pals.com/index.php?board=9;action=display;threadid=2706;start=0
http://pc-pals.com/index.php?board=9;action=display;threadid=2900;start=0 (you even replied to that one :P )
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:aarrgh: We are dooomed - doomed I tell you! ;D
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Yeh i knew i'd seen it before..Coz i was the third to post it..!! ;) :P :P ;D
Your wurser than me... ::) :P :P :P
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(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apax34.dsl.pipex.com%2Fsmileys%2Fsobaad1.gif&hash=71f36dee317bf37ce6c6645dffa693e4661cf6e8)
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Told to me by my 7 year old this evening - so you know it's baaaad!
What happened when Batman and Robin got run over by an elephant?
They turned into Flatman and Ribbon ::) :D
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That boy will go far Adept. (depending on how far you can throw him). ;D ;D ;D
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what do you call 3 stupid people singing on a street corner drinking a diet soda & eating fruit??
The Moron, tab and apple choir
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What do you get if you cross a lettuce, a tomato, and a cucumber, with a caber?
A salad that tosses itself. ;D ;D
-
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> yeh..i know
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>better be worth it now
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
::) :-X :-X :P
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I winced at that one! ;D
-
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
---
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
---
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
---
-
Age Old Argument (groan)
This settles the argument once and for all !!!!!
Who Makes The Coffee?
Did you know that it's a sin for a woman to make the coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible.
It says.....
"Hebrews!"
-
:aarrgh:
-
Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
Why of course, Mr. Bigger's baby. She's just a little Bigger.
-
I am a kleptomaniac when it gets real bad I just take something for it.
-
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
-
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math
instruction.
-
Not again ::)
You're meant to groan because the joke is baaad not coz you've heard it twenty times before Clive.
-
It's his age, Sean, he forgets things. ;) ;D ;D
-
I'm positive that the above is a slightly different version of the one which was posted before! :heehee:
-
:mg: he's recycling them now Simon! :o
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:shuddup: Leave me alone. I'm as happy as those in the happy house. ;D
-
Nurse, Nurse!! It's past his bedtime!! :sanity:
-
Q--- what`s a s**tzu
A--one with no animals
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:funny: I like that one cammy it's too good to be in the groaner thread :lol:
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Ok..I hate to disapiont so try this one for size... ;)
why did the boy throw the butter out of the window......
so he could see the butterfly
:-X :P
-
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm
bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold , Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight . While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse) :o.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal . "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked". "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".................
........."I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
;) ;D :P
-
That is probably one of the worst jokes ive ever heard :aarrgh:...........................................................But ive gotta admit I laughed!!!!! :lol:
-
I have to admit that I've seen it before but I think it's one of the funniest ever. Probably says a lot about me really. ;D
-
I have to admit that I've seen it before
At least twice on here ... ::) ;D
-
A man walks in to a Bar.................................................................. ..........OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! :heehee:
-
Milking the Cow
One early morning, a farmer was milking his cow. The farmer was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder!
-
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
---
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
---
A backward poet writes inverse.
-
Hoax Phone Calls:
A bloke keeps ringing me and singing Prince Charming - Stand And Delivery down the phone.
I keep telling him to p**s off but he's adamant.
:P
DJ1UK
-
:lol: I had to larf at that one... ;D
-
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!!
We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe,
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree"
... Page Down, its worth it !
Keep going !
Go on !
"ees... a.... Ham bush" ;D ;D
-
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the
driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a SCARF!"
::)
-
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
***
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
***
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
***
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
-
:good:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?" The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"
-
The American Medical Association researchers have made
a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients
needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken
blood rather than human blood.
.
.
.
.
.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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:heehee: Nice one Michelle. ;D
-
A friend told me this touching story, please read it all. ;)
This should once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The
special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died
If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes our pecker look smaller"
..... Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
-
Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done to John several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the intended target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious but stable condition following surgery.
Louella has officially been charged with a misdeweiner.
-
Getting deparate now, Clive! :pmsl:
-
:lol:
:eeek: How can I be laffing at that!! ;)
-
Raising Rabbits
Many years ago, a young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits. He decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits but none could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his new enterprise.
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."
-
:aarrgh:
-
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.
:pmsl:
> >
-
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
-
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know."
"So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
-
Sophie Ellis Bextor arrested.....
Apparently she was charged with a crime of homicide at the home of a French football star. A body was was found slumped on the carpet.
A Police spokesman would only say "We believe it's Murder on Zidane's floor"
Sorry ;D ;D ;D
-
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"
"No," replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."
-
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
::)
-
:aarrgh:
-
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters. You've got to tell me what's wrong with me," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits."
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about, You're simply going through the change."
-
:lol: GROANNNNNNNNNNNNN :yawn:
-
Does that mean it will be 10p pieces, 5p pieces, and 1ps we have to look forward to. ;D ;D ;D
-
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other people had been seen for days.
Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader went back and told his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks -- they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train went up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attacked and massacred every one except the leader.
He managed to escape back to where the old Jewish man was sitting and enjoying his drink. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree.
Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man held up his hand and said, "Oy, vey, vait a minute, vait a minute." He got out an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a
ham bush!"
-
:aarrgh:
-
Q. How do crippled crabs get around?
A. On crotches.
::) :P
-
:youch:
-
A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After several minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.
Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.
They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck
and killing her.
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.
This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - what is it with the bananas?
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."
-
I think you deserve Death Row for that joke, Clive! :baad:
-
Great joke clive ;D
-
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
::)
-
One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.
When time was over she called Little Johnny.
He said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.
::)
-
There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.
That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding for his tail back.
The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:
'Don't give it back! Don't give it back!'
'Why?' asked the man.
'You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!'
OK, that's bad even for me! ;D ;D ;D
-
Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:lol:
-
I liked it Clive ;D ;D :yawn:
-
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife.
The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," the man says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
::) :-X ;)
-
:believe:I'm sitting here all alone on Valentin's night, my kids are in bed and I'm sooooooooooo bored....oops sorry...thought that said MOANER not groaner....now I'm still alone on Valentine's night only now I find myself in the middle of a jokes thread :believe:
-
Oh c'mon Butterfly, you are never alone on PC-Pals! ;D
-
Well I have to say Clive.......I wasn't for long ;)
-
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
-
Q. How do you turn a duck into a great soul singer?
A. You put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
Thanks to Jude for that one! (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hogarth-hq.com%2Fsmileys%2Fhearts01.gif&hash=774e21fc174135375c708abe821e88109891e1fb)
-
I often wonder what happened to those blokes on the submarine who got caught playing cards while on duty...still, that's all bridge under the water now.
-
Q. How do you turn a duck into a great soul singer?
A. You put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
Groannnnnnnnn :-\
Have "A lovely day" Uncle Rodders
-
This piece of string walks into a bar. But he's hardly through the door when the bartender yells, "Hey, String! Get outta here!" Hours
later, the piece of string is still trying to find a drink. So he ruffles his ends and contorts himself. As he goes into yet another
bar, the bartender says, "Are you a piece of string?"
The piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
-
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
**********
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was asalted.
**********
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
**********
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
**********
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
**********
A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says: "A beer
please, and one for the road."
**********
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
*********
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
**********
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
**********
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
**********
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
**********
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
**********
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
**********
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
**********
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
*********
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
**********
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
*********
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
-
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
For heaven's sake! ::) ;D ;D
-
:heehee:
-
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
with eye;s that would be Fiish ><))))8>
with no eye it would be fsh ><))))>
:P
-
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
--------
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents :P
--------
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.
--------
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
;D ;D
-
:mg: I've let the genie out of the bottle! ;D
-
A whale is swimming about in the ocean when he comes across an ill octopus, so being a caring whale he picks him up and swims off with him,
Two days later he comes across a mate of his who says "Have you got that money you owe me?"
The first whale says "No, but here's sick squid on account"
DB
-
OK, you've asked for these! :D :D
Q: Were you long in the hospital ?
A: No, I was the same size that I am now !
Q: What has 4 wheels and flys?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer ?
A: He fell in the sink !
Q: Why did the clock get sick ?
A: It was run down !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show everyone that he wasn't a chicken.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn't have anyBODY to go with.
Q: What button won't you find in a tailors shop ?
A: Belly button !
Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans?
A: With a cabbage patch!
Q: Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you have any invisible ink?
Certainly sir. What colour?
Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education!
Q: Who makes suits and eats spinach ?
A: Popeye the Tailorman !
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff !
Q: Where does the colonel keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
Q: What travels all around the world, but never leaves it's corner.
A: A Postage Stamp!
Q: How did the telephones get married ?
A: In a double ring ceremony !
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea?
A: Should we walk or take a dog?
Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel!
A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that ?
The crack of dawn !
Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet ?
A: Glad to meteor !
Q: Where do eskimos keep their money?
A: Snow banks !
Q: Waiter, this soup tastes funny ?
A: Then why aren't you laughing !
Q: Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
A: Use a pencil ?till I get there
These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one, "hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other atom says "are you sure?"
He replies "yes, I'm positive"
-
:pmsl: I love this thread :slightlymad: :boogie:
-
It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina fishing and having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July."
He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician.
Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in.
Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
-
::) :lol:
DJ
-
A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an a*****e!" The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!"
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged."
The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for...
"Making an obscene clone fall...." ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
:aarrgh: Ban him!!
-
How about a really bad chicken joke............?
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and hands them over to them...and the chickens leave. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and hands them over. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens, but she gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She follows them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hides behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She sees the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
-
:pmsl: :pmsl: :pmsl: :pmsl: :pmsl: :pmsl:
Brilliant Hook!
-
Why is 6 afaid of 7
because 7 8 9
-
Oh dear.... ::)
-
:shuddup:
-
What happenend when the grape got stood on?
It let out a little wine. ;D ;D ;D :bart:
-
Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play.
This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.
He shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord"
So Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the
crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and
gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?"
To which he replies.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!" :P ;D
-
:pmsl: ;D ;D ;D
-
A few to keep ya smiling ;)
A guy calls his buddy the horse racher and says he's sending a friend over to look a a horse.
His buddy asks "how will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or femal horse. "A femal horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"/ The guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mnouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mout.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground!
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should reprase that; "Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
-
Pssst.....
http://pc-pals.com/index.php?board=42;action=display;threadid=309 :whistle:
The old ones are always the best! :P ;D
-
Have you ever been an Elephant in an previous life, that was ages ago :P what a mam Memory you have (Nov 2002)? :D
-
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
-
Hopefully I have posted this in the right section :P
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
-
A jellybean went to the doctors and asked for an HIV test. The doctor said "Don't be ridiculous you're a jellybean you can't be HIV positive" To which the jellybean replied "You don't understand doctor I've been sleeping with Allsorts."
-
:aarrgh:
-
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". :blush:
-
A drunk walks up to a man looking under the bonnet of his broken down car and asks, "What's the matter mate?"
"Piston broke," says the driver.
"So am I," replies the drunk.
:mrgreen: :mrgreen:
-
:heehee: :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
From my sons beano, but it made me laff !! :lol:
Three English men were talking about their brothers,
"My brother is called George because he was born on St George's day." Said one man.
"My brother is called Andrew as he was born on St Andrews Day." Said another man.
The last man said.
"The same thing happened to my brother..... Pancake."
-
:ouch: Is that rag still going? I used to love it when I was a kid! :laugh:
-
yeah me too, and the Dandy, my son now collects them both.
I think its been going 60 years so you must have the first one clive :bad: :scoot:
-
I wish I had the first issue! It's worth a fortune now. :laugh:
-
CLUBBERS in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as "E by gum".
-
Last time I went on holiday, I flew with BA.
It was terrible.
He kept shouting "You crazy fool, I ain't getting on no plane, Sucka!" :beach:
-
Teacher,
"Spell 'WATER',"
Girl,
"HIJKLMNO."
Teacher,
"That doesn't spell 'WATER'"
Girl,
"Yes it does... It's all the letters from 'H to O'."
:nerd:
-
Oh dear!! :argh: :blahh:
-
2 monkeys getting in a bath.
One says; "Ooh Ooh, Aah Aah!"
Other says; "Put some cold water in then"
:twisted:
-
Two termites walk into a bar. One of them asks "Is the bartender here"
-
Two termites walk into a bar. One of them asks "Is the bartender here"
Is it me, or is there something missing from this? :nerd: :crazy:
-
Who wants to tell him...? :heehee:
-
Try looking at the word BARTENDER Simon and putting a space between the first R and the T :)
-
Oh, fer feck's sake!! :roll:
Anyway, here's some old groaners, some of which are actually funny!
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a
look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "...How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today."
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So
that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
-
man and giraffe goes into the local pub,
and they have a bet to see who could drink the most shots. half an hour later both are hammering shot after shot of sambucca, aftershots, everything.
then all off a sudden the giraffe falls off his stool wasted,
the man gets up to stagger away and the bar tender says. 'you cant leave that lying there'
to which the man replys thats no lion its a giraffe :twisted: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :scoot:
-
Why do mice have small balls?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Not many of them know how to dance.
-
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
-
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
-
KID comes home from school one afternoon with a sofa on his back. He dumps it in the hallway and moans he's in pain.
His mum has a real go at him and screams: "What have I told you about accepting suites from strangers?!"
--
Q: WHY does the milking stool have only three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder!
-
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
-
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
-
:roll:
-
A man comes home with a live sheep under his arm, walks into the bedroom and says, "This is the pig i have sex with when you have a headache".
His wife puts down her book, looks at him and says, "I think you'll find that's a sheep". He says, "And I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
-
:lol:
-
bringing back memories eh clive? :laugh:
-
The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.
?What happened, Honey?? asked his wife.
?It?s a great new idea I have,? he gasped. ?I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.?
?That wasn?t to smart,? replied his wife. ?Why didn?t you run behind a taxi and save five dollars??
-
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
A fleet of black cabs are outside as I speak! :mrgreen:
-
:damnit: I don't understand the joke! :blush2:
-
:damnit: I don't understand the joke! :blush2:
:brain: Time you had an early night, Clive! :grin:
-
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are bloody menthol"
-
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a
new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was
absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a
while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this
guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he
was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing
left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly. He
planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to
do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when
Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off
and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran
off smiling and singing............
>>
>>
>>
>> Get ready, it's good................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Here it comes.............
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
-
:argh: Somebody shoot him!
-
A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? The women must love you."
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.
Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."
He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"
He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I going crazy?"
"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."
"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."
-
A happily married man had only one complaint,
his wife was always nursing sick birds.
One November evening, he came home to find
a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his
favorite chair. On the dining room table there was
a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the
kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren that she found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife
was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take
it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-
curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of
the chilled wren."
-
Jesus wept! :roll:
-
A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender,
"I would like a pint of beer and.............. a coke."
The bar tender says "What's with the big pause?"
The bear said "I've had them all my life"
-
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his
exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween?
A: Tweets.
Q: What do goblins drink when there hot and thirsty?
A: Ghoul-aid!!!
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q: what do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A: sour-puss
Q: What can't you give the headless horseman?
A: A headache.
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
-
(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftcwozere.co.uk%2Fsmileys%2Fshakehead.gif&hash=cf6439a5273ca5c35835cc4249b7ff5c5d77de19)
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A man from the city was watching a cow being milked.
As he watched, a fly flew in the cow?s ear. A moment later the man noticed a fly in the milk pail.
He asked the farmer how that could have happened.
?It?s simple,? said the farmer. ?In one ear and out the udder.?
-
:cow:
-
What side do you milk a cow on?
The udder side.
-
(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fusers.pandora.be%2Feforum%2Femoticons4u%2Fsad%2F1381.gif&hash=7d91ffeb49d55e65311ea0ffb241297000ff0a5f)
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Well it is called the Groaner thread. :laugh:
-
Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, told the bishop he needed a holiday after ringing the bells for 15 years, so they decided to place an add in the bell ringers bugle for a replacement.
The only applicants were a pair of identical twins with no arms, but they quickly dispelled Quasimodo's doubts that they could do the job.
"Just watch" said one, and he raced at the bell and butted it with his head. The resuld was a loud bong.
They both proved they could ring the bell with only head butts, but Quasi insisted it was a job for one person only, and the decision was made on the toss of a coin.
Things went well for a week, but the inevitable finally happened. While taking his run at the bell he tripped on the ropes, missed the bell, and went hurtling down the bell tower, crashing onto the plaza.
A croud quickly gathered around the body. A gendarme pushed through and asked, "Does anyone know his name?"
"No," said a peasant, "but his face rings a bell."
The unfortunate incident caused the bishop to send for the bell-ringers twin, who was only too happy to take over the job. However on the third day exactly the same accident happened to him. He tripped on the ropes and ended up lifeless on the plaza below.
Again the crowd gathered round and a gendarme pushed through and asked if anyone knew his name.
"No," replied the same peasant, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
-
That's one of the best jokes of all time in my book! :laugh:
-
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well now you are editor-in-chief
-
Q What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A Philippe Philoppe
-
:cussing:
-
:grin:
-
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a
new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was
absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a
while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy
was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was
still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to
do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned
several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine
slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she
drowned. the guy stopped by the river for a moment and then ran off
smiling and singing... Scroll down.
its good honest.....
NO really it is
Not much further now......
Nearly there...
(Get ready, it's good...) .....
"I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone."
-
:argh: How does it feel to be hated Simon?
-
:pmsl:
-
:argh:
I knew it, who has a name like Clearly. Plus it's one of my favourite songs.
-
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling;
his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of Vick formula 44 cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...
and,
The coffin stops!!!!
-
:argh:
-
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them : "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. Quattro meansa four.
You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily : "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over.
I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry, responds the Italian officer, he can'ta come.
He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
-
:haha4:
-
:funnypost:
-
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as
Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>>
>>
>>
>> A Misdewiener!
-
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says: "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says: "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you"
To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous".
The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said: "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".
The barman said: "You never came back, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman, ?what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
Wait for it............. "Mixin'-me-toasties".
-
:aarrgh:
-
I'll second that. :aarrgh:
-
liver and cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can
you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "Ho w about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
(ok this is good)
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
-
:aarrgh: :slug:
-
Not as bad as I thought it was going to be. ;D
-
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.
Q. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
A. "Will the defendant please rise"
Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit
him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.
Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs
Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.
Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.
Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?
A. Up the ar*e.
Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.
Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?
A. A liar.
Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.
Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher spe*m count.
-
:lol:
-
Absolutely brilliant Gill! Not sure I understand Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox? A. Paint 3 stripes on it. though.
-
:pmsl: :funnypost:
-
...Not sure I understand Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox? A. Paint 3 stripes on it. though.
All will be revealed here (http://www.adidas.com), Clive. Note that you're unlikely to find any winklepickers and drapes there. ;)
-
:thanks: Rod! ;D
-
God Said, Adam I Want you to do
Something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to
do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"!
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."!
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?"
__________________
-
:haha:
-
Groaners
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
-
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
;D
-
:aarrgh:
-
Four fonts walk into a bar.
Barman says: "Oi! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"
What? o:)
-
:yawn:
-
An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun.
He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun. He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down.
On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately. 'You idiot!' said the captain. 'We saw what you did on radar and now we're in a load of trouble'.
'What do you mean?' said the pilot, 'I shot both carpets down!'
'I know that!' said the captain, 'but they were Allied Carpets!
-
Zebediah sold fertilized eggs. He had ten roosters whose job it was to fertilize the eggs laid by several hundred young pullets.
Zeb kept records and any rooster that didn't perform became dinner and was replaced by one who would.
Updating his database took a lot of time so Zeb attached a tiny bell with a unique tone to each rooster so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
One day Zeb noticed that his favorite rooster, Old Butch, was slacking off. His bell hadn't rung at all!
When Zeb investigated, he found the other roosters were having a tough time catching pullets with their bells ringing, but, to Zeb's amazement, Old Butch held his bell in his beak to keep it silent while he surprised a pullet, making him much more successful.
Zeb was so proud of Old Butch's ingenuity that he entered him in the local county fair where the judges awarded him not only the "No Bell Piece Prize," but also the "Pullet Surprise!"
-
:aarrgh:
-
and indeed... :aarrgh:
-
My kind of pun. :)
-
What kind of bees give milk?
Boobees.
-
Dreadful!! :bawl:
-
What could I possibly add? ;)
-
What could I possibly add? ;)
This... :groan:
-
That takes the prize of being the worst EVER MB! :groan:
-
This... :groan:
This cross-fertilisation works really well. :)
-
That takes the prize of being the worst EVER MB! :groan:
I'm sure I can do better. ;D
-
What kinds of bugs live in chimneys?
Chimney crickets! ;D
-
Enough!! :out:
-
You missed the 'already', Clive. :)
-
Whats invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!
:bartmoon: :wahh:
-
Oh you are getting worse MB! :taz:
-
Two aerials met, fell in love and got married.
The wedding wasn?t very good but the reception was great.
-
:aarrgh: :groan: :out:
-
:whome:
-
:muah:
-
Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for another year. :leer:
-
Boom Boom! ;D
-
I tried not to laugh but it came out anyway. (the laugh that is!) ;D
-
Of course, Clive - we believe you. ;)
-
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don?t. You get down from a duck.
-
That has to be a...
:groan:
-
The word incorrigible come to mind! ;D
-
Shush, don't incorrige her, Clive. ;D
-
What do you call a boomerang that doesn?t come back?
A stick. ;D
-
:groan:
-
I think she could keep this up for a long time Rik. Worrying isn't it? :bawl:
-
Worrying??
It's terrifying! ;D :peepsofa:
-
I like to contribute as much as I can. ;D
-
Terror? ;D
-
Did you hear about the Rabbi who was drunk on job?
He got the sack? ;D
-
That took me a while MB. o:)
-
Then you need to drink faster, Clive. :devil:
-
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him that I can't see him!
-
I surrender! :bawl:
-
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Eye-Deer. :)x
-
What do you call a deer standing rigid with no eyes
Still no eye deer :)x
-
:groan: :out:
-
what do you call a man with a spade on his head?
doug :D
-
what do you call a man with a ...................
carpet
car
seagull on his head?
Matt
Jack
Cliff
-
:splat:
-
:out:
-
What do you call a man with a tiny penis ?
Justin ;D ;D ;D
-
:laugh:
-
:lol:
-
:leer:
-
What?s green and smells like red paint?
Green paint. :)x
-
:crylaughing:
-
The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. I think I can help you, he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you. This is the answer to our prayers! the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. Who do you think that was? she asked her husband who answered, That was the Clone Arranger ;D
-
:aarrgh: :lol:
-
Running Doe, a young Native American woman, went to a doctor for her first-ever physical exam.
?You are in fine health,? the doctor said. ?I did notice one abnormality, however. You have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing. How many people are in your tribe?"
"Approximately 500.?
?And what is the name of your tribe?"
"The Indiannippleless 500." :boobies:
-
:groan: :)x That's a racist joke. ;D
-
What do you call a man with a tiny penis ?
didnt know we were going down that line of thought................
Whats green and smells of bacon?
Kermits penis
(kept it clean) ;D
-
:aarrgh:
-
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car. ;D
-
Q: What do you do with a wombat?
A: Play wom. :)x
-
Two cows are standing in a field. The first one asks ?Aren?t you worried about this mad cow disease?? :cow:
The second one responds ?It doesn?t worry me, I?m a duck?. (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.comicguide.net%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fduck.gif&hash=9f5b2522ad220afece014e4a7a1dc2b31e414365)
-
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh ;D
-
What do you call an Amish man with his hand in a horse?s butt?
A mechanic.
-
What goes, ?Clip-clop, clip-clop, bang. Clip-clop, clip-clop, bang??
An Amish drive-by. :)x
-
That's enough for now, you'll be saddened to know that I'll be away for a while.
But I promise lots more when I return. ;D
-
I sense a ban coming on... :devil: :)x
-
:what: :byebye:
:bartmoon: :wahh:
-
:lol:
-
Missing you already MB. ;D
-
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
?Thanks! I?ll never part with it.?
-
:groan:
;D
-
Already posting what you got for Christmas, Clive. ;D
And I missed you too............ now where did I file the rest of those jokes you love so much. ;)
-
:aarrgh:
-
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
-
:groan:
-
I can only risk one eye on this thread! :bawl:
-
What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?
-A pilot, you freakin? racist.
-
:lol:
-
:aarrgh:
-
Look, two Admins online. We have a quorum. :)
-
Oh, goodie......... time for more of these.
What?s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef. :)x
-
The pantomime season is definitely upon us. ;D
-
Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them ...........
>
>
>
>
"Moosellaneous." :scoot:
-
There is only one response, Clive. :groan: ;D
-
Well, there's always...... :kidding-2:
-
Once there was a pastor, and he wanted to paint his church. But all he had was
one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned
the paint enough to cover the entire church. Then he spent all day painting.
That night it rained, washed all the paint off. The pastor was discouraged,
and asked God, "Why...Why God, did You let it rain and wash off all my hard
work?"
To which God replied, "Repaint! And thin no more!"
-
:groan:
-
Paddy on death row gets the chance to be shot, hung or injected with the AIDS virus. He says give me the AIDS stuff. They inject him and he rolls round the floor laughing. the warden says, "whats so funny?" Paddy says "im wearing a condom!!!"
:)x
-
::)
-
I've just realised why there are no casinos in China.....
.......Cos the Chinese hate Tibet!! :sheep:
-
:groan:
-
Paddy gets a job at the Zoo.
"First job today is to clean out the Aquarium" says the head keeper.
"Its next door to the Lion cage but don't go too near that because Lions will eat anything"
Paddy gets stuck in, scrubbing and mopping, wiping and shovelling.
He gets a bit close to the Barracuda pool and one of them jumps up and bites at him.
Paddy has a short fuse and swings at the Barra with his shovel, killing it instantly.
He gets a bit worried, its his first morning and he has already killed one of the fish. Remembering what the Head keeper said, he sneaks the Barracuda out and slings it over the fence for the Lions to eat.
Lions will eat anything.
Next, Paddy goes to the Chimpanzee enclosure.
He gets stuck in, scrubbing and mopping, wiping and shovelling.
One of the Chimps takes a dislike to him and starts throwing things at Paddy.
Paddy takes it until the Chimpanzee throws a lump of sh1t and then he cracks and takes a swing at the Chimp with his shovel, killing it instantly.
When he calms down, he gets worried about having destroyed another on of the exhibits but he remembers what the Head keeper said so he sneaks it around to the Lions and slings it over the fence.
Lions will eat anything.
Late on in the morning, Paddy gets sent to clean up the apiary where the Zoo keep several different species of Bees.
Paddy gets stuck in, scrubbing and mopping, wiping and shovelling.
The South American Bees are quite aggressive and start to attack Paddy who retaliates with his shovel, knocking them all to the ground and mashing them to bits with several blows. Being well versed in the routine by now, he takes them around to the Lions and slings the in by the shovel full.
Lions will eat anything.
That afternoon, the Zoo takes delivery of a new Lion.
The new Lion struts his stuff around the place, roaring and laying his scent before going over to check out the others.
"Hello there" he says to one of the others.
"Whats the food like here?"
Lions will eat anything.
"Foods pretty good" says one of the other Lions
"Today we have had Fish, Chimps and mushy Bees"
-
:out: :out: :out: :out: :out:
-
:lol:
-
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
-
:groan:
-
I'll second that.... :groan:
-
I think it's a nice moral tale - I bet he makes backups too. :)
-
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency reportsimply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize' but they awarded him the 'Pulletsurprise' as well.
-
:groan:
-
:believe:
-
:aarrgh: :groan:
-
:lol:
-
(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi7.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fy255%2FCCCaw%2Fchicken01.gif&hash=f5a106ab15c3f6f76c91c3d5d9c7d32b13cdefc8) :aarrgh: :lol:
-
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
-
:groan: :lol:
-
Definitely a :groan:, Clive. And stolen... :)
-
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
-
For goodness sake!! :bawl:
-
She saw him across the bar, and rolled her eyes at him... so he picked them up and rolled them back...
-
She had one of those 'outward' squints, so you never knew if she was looking at you, or watching for a bus...
-
Enough!! :o
-
:)x
-
:haha:
-
Breaking News:
CNN reports that SHELL, EXXON & MOBIL gas stations will start showing PORN movies
on the screens of their pumps
so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!
-
:pmsl:
-
:haha: at the latest groaners! gawd I needed a laff today what with grass cutting, bubbles and 1 armed midgets on X trainers ;)
-
:lol:
-
IT department
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the
welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can
earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later,
the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very
satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do
any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss
has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you
idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You
fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so
no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
-
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a freekin' clueless idiot!
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's name?
''Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name,'
I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise'.
Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies 'Denephew '
-
:kidding: :splat: :out:
-
:aarrgh: :lol: Glad you found the right thread Clive, and this one is funnier than Job Opening. ;D
-
IT department
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the
welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can
earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later,
the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very
satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do
any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss
has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you
idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You
fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so
no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
:haha:
-
:pmsl:
-
:clever:
-
Two old women are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man runs up and flashes them. One of the women has a stroke.
The other one wasn't able to reach
:)x
-
:aarrgh:
-
2 fish in a tank...
One say to the other "You drive, I'll man the gun"
-
I refer to my previous post. ;D
-
It was announced today that the Archbishop of Canterbury has got his way.
British weather has been declared Muslim.
It's partly Sunni, but mostly Sh'ite.
-
A definite :groan:.
-
:groan: ditto :laugh:
-
Two old women are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man runs up and flashes them. One of the women has a stroke.
The other one wasn't able to reach
:)x
:)x
-
You know how you can tell when a ship captain is a virgin?
When he is looking for his first mate. :scoot:
-
:aarrgh: You can run, but you cannot hide........ ;D
-
:help1:
-
M8 at work told me he'd taken his Mrs to an island in the Carribian for 2 weeks in the sun
"Jamaica" i asked
"No!" he replied " She wanted to go"
:)x :scoot:
-
:groan: :out:
-
The old ones are the best. :)
-
Two old Navy buddies run into each other at a Manchester pub.
The first Sailor asks his buddy, "Say, are you still seeing that redhead with the wooden leg?"
The 2nd Sailor replied, "No, I had to break it off."
what do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other ?
Eileen
-
:groan: :groan:
Put the crackers away, Clive, at least until December. :)
-
:aarrgh: That is the worst one you have ever posted, Clive. ;)
-
Thank you for the compliment! ;D
-
:bawl:
-
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
We had better perk up or they'll think we're nuts. :)x
-
:groan:
-
:hee-hee:
-
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma. ;D
-
:groan:
-
;D
-
Police have warned that terrorists have planted bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti . If one goes off it could spell disaster. :scoot: :peepsofa:
-
:groan: ;D
-
Or, it could spell.... :out:
-
Paddy and Mick were trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past and they explain there problem. He says "thats simple fellas, watch this" he unbolts it and lies it flat, measures it.... then paddy says to mick "what a thick tw@t! we want to know the height not the f*cking lengh"!
;D
-
Paddy and Mick were trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past and they explain there problem. He says "thats simple fellas, watch this" he unbolts it and lies it flat, measures it.... then paddy says to mick "what a thick tw@t! we want to know the height not the f*cking lengh"!
;D
Ermmm theres a 't' missing from there somewhere Camm ;) :devil:
-
Ok "length" then :wahh:
It was just copied from elsewhere :o:
-
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
......NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman,'what from'.
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
'Mixin'-me-toasties'
-
:groan:
Easter Bunny fever upon you, Clive?
-
Anything with fur... :devil:
-
What, even my water pipes? ;D
-
;D ;D
-
Groan ;D ;D ;D
-
I have no remorse. ;D
-
Q: Why did the lion get lost?
A: Because Jungle is Massive! :)x
-
:huh3:
-
Glad it's not just me! :dunno:
-
:doh:
-
I have missed something here ???
-
A chap from Yorkshire goes to the jewellers...........
He says, "Can tha mek a gold statue o' mi dog?"
"Aye, reckon a can," sez the jeweller.
"Does tha want it eighteen carat?".
"Nay," sez bloke, "I wan it chewin' a bone."
:o:
-
:groan:
-
I'll second that. :groan:
-
I'm unanimous. :)
-
Lucky you. ;)
-
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,
'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ...'
The bear, very angry now, says,
'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says,
'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states,
'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear looks at him quizzically and says,
'I'm not on drugs.'
(You're gonna love me for this...)
The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate
-
:aarrgh: :groan: :out: but :haha:
-
I've even convinced myself it's a brand new joke. :laugh:
-
I know several like that :laugh:
-
:sigh: :groan: :lol2:
-
A definite :groan: Clive. :thumbs:
-
A man walks into the sheriffs office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want you to catch this man" says the sheriff handing the man a wanted poster
The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
'What's he wanted for?' asked the hopeful young man
"Rustling." :)x
-
:groan: ;D
-
Exactly! :groan:
-
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sord id plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this ... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'
-
:aarrgh: Hey, that's pretty good for you, Clive. :lol2:
-
:aarrgh:
-
Best not to encourage me MB. ;D
-
But I enjoy it Clive. ;)
-
:tmi: :devil:
-
That, I doubt! ;D
-
You are always correct! :laugh:
-
Try telling Michael that! :brickwall: ;D
-
Apparently the price of hearing aids has gone up.
Deaf people across the country are going, "how much??"
Found a load of glue on my doorstep this morning.
Don't know who it belongs to, guess I'm stuck with it now.
I'm always a considerate lover.
For example, I always consider if they're strong enough to escape.
My mate has the French version of Gulf War Syndrome:
First sign of trouble, he's nowhere to be found.
I phoned the emergancy services the other day and I was on hold for ten minutes. When I got through I said, "You're lucky this is a hoax."
A Welshman was looking at some sheep in a field when the farmer comes over. "Seen you lookin', see one you fancy then?" says the farmer.
"Well....." says the Welshman, at which the farmer says,
"Give me a tenner and you can go help yourself" So the Welshman gives him a tenner, jumps the fence and starts pulling at the sheeps wool furiously, pulling great clumps of it out as the startled animal bleats and tries to get away! "What do you think you're doing?!!" calls the farmer.
The Welshman replies, "Well if I'm paying a tenner I at least want to get her naked first!"
I've just been on one of those coach mystery tours.
To pass away the time, we had a competition to see who could guess where we were going.
The bloody driver won.
A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.
"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.
"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club," the pygmy replies.
"Crikey, you must have a big club," says the Zulu.
"Aye, there's about thirty of us."
What's the difference between Bigfoot and a hard working Scouser?
Bigfoot has actually been spotted.
Doctor: "I'm sorry to have to inform you that you've only got about 3 minutes to live."
Me: "What - oh sh*t - 3 minutes - wait - isn't there anything you can do for me Doc?"
Doctor: "Hmmm - I might be able to boil you an egg."
I was at my mate's house when his wife asked, "Do I have anything on my cheeks?" to which, he responded, "Which cheeks?" She gave a cheeky smile and a giggle, and it looked like he was going to get laid that night.
I tried a similar thing, and for some reason didn't get laid...
My wife happened to ask, "Do I have anything on my chin?" to which I responded, "Which chin?"
How do you fit 5 Big Brother contestants in a mini?
2 in the front, 2 in the back and Jade Goody in the ashtray!
And finally...
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." :)x
-
:aarrgh:
-
:ithank:
-
Double :aarrgh:
-
;D
-
:sigh: Oh, dear! ;D
-
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?
-
:groan:
-
Can I second that? ;D
-
:lol:
-
Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the heck is a potato clock?"
And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"
-
Paddy walks into The Antiques Roadshow and puts a big box on the table.
"Where did you find this?" asked the expert.
"Oh, it's been in the attic for years," said Paddy.
"Have you got insurance?" asked the expert.
"Why do you ask?" said Paddy.
"Because you're going to need it - that's your cold water tank."
-
The potato clock is lost on me. :dunno: But the water tank is very funny. ;D
-
Paddy has to be a work by nine o'clock, so he gets up at... :)x
-
:aarrgh: The penny took a long time.... ;D
-
Sometimes takes a jolt to get it to drop. :)
-
So many retorts, so many ways to get banned. :devil:
-
Damn, I was hoping you'd fall into my trap! :devil:
-
;D
Dream on. ;)
-
Adam & God
God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill.....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'
-
:groan: ;D
-
:aarrgh: ;D
-
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue.. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me...'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
'Nearest the bull goes first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'
He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die..'
-
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
:aarrgh: :pmsl:
Love them all Simon :thumbs:
-
Its very quiet in here today......MISTY where are you ?Sandra,Sam.... :sofabricks: where is everybody :bawl:
-
Yes, it's been like a ghost town lately. :(
-
It has I come in to check the silver is still here ;D
-
I havent been feeling to good since monday evening David and not been on the computer for a few days but I am getting better and will be back to normal soon, hopefully :)
-
Really sorry to hear Get well soon Sandra :cold:
David
Can we have a get well soon smiley ? :)
-
I've been learning to use a new piece of software to help me design scroll saw patterns and it's taking up my time. I've also got to test cut them to see if they work, which should be a giggle. Here's an example I made before using a pattern which did work:
(https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv637%2FGillD%2FCmpndDec.jpg&hash=cd7f7d0f6f1c7c8cbc03e8e8d727d945a16566ae)
They make really nice Christmas tree baubles :) .
-
Dont mention Christmas Gille :slug:
But I love the design :thumbs:
-
mention Christmas all the time... its when I get to go back to the UK... ;D
-
Well wrap up then ;D
-
Chicken Surprise
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...
.
wait for it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I've brought you the Peeking duck'
-
:bawl: :groan: :xmas:
-
:aarrgh:
-
Two pirates were chatting to each other.
The first pirate says, "I like your earrings - how much were they?"
The second pirate says, "A couple of bucks."
The first pirate says, "Oh, they're not bad for a buccaneer."
-
;D
-
:aarrgh: :lol: :groan:
-
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment !!!
-
:aarrgh:
-
:out: :groan:
-
:cold:
-
Bless you Sam...get well soon
-
Sorry Sam. :blush: Me and my mouth!
-
tis ok, I'm much better now.. most of the symptoms have gone the only annoying thing is all the coughing has caused me to rip the muscle in my stomach (I did it about a month ago; well I'm not sure I have but its the exact same spot and the same type of pain) again... and yikes it hurts when I cough.
-
My sympathies, Sam, that is very painful. I pulled a muscle in my chest last time I had a bad cough, and I kept thinking I was having a heart attack!
-
I keep trying to convince myself its appendix issues, but of course I went the doctors the last time and she was like oh no .. too low and its the same spot so..
-
I've had a tickly cough for weeks now and I can't seem to get rid of it. I may not make it through the night. :laugh:
-
It's probably some strand of Canadian flu that only they have the vaccine for, Clive. ;D
-
Sam can mail some to me. :D
-
But would he? :devil:
-
No.
-
But would he? :devil:
nah.
-
:hee-hee:
-
:smirks:
-
I keep trying to convince myself its appendix issues, but of course I went the doctors the last time and she was like oh no .. too low and its the same spot so..
I managed a hernia through a bad dose of flue, Sam. Not that I want to worry you, of course. :devil:
-
That reminds me, I have to pop out this evening. :)x
-
That reminds me, I have to pop out this evening. :)x
;D
-
I managed a hernia through a bad dose of flue, Sam. Not that I want to worry you, of course. :devil:
its not that bad... and it seems to be easing.
-
Good. :thumb:
-
its not that bad... and it seems to be easing.
What, you have one too? ;D
-
You will need to keep your strength up Sam! Only 34 days 8 hours and 11 minutes to go now!
-
:laugh:
-
You will need to keep your strength up Sam! Only 34 days 8 hours and 11 minutes to go now!
:devil:
-
A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.
While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...
She decked him!
He was laying on the floor moaning,
'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blonde ……… 'He has a licker license!'
-
:aarrgh: :groan: :out:
-
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were two pence pieces in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were five pence pieces and this morning ten pence pieces! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~
(This is worth waiting for.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~
"You're simply going through the change."
-
:haha:
-
:groan:
-
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.
-
I had never considered self-harm until reading that one.
-
:crazy:
-
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "doctor my leg keeps talking to me."
So the doctor takes out his stethoscope and listens to the guys thigh and he hears, "lend me a fiver!"
The doctor then takes a listen to the guys knee and hears, "Lend me a tenner!"
The doctor then takes a listen at the guys shin and hears, "Lend me twenty quid!"
"So what's the problem doctor?" the guy asks anxiously.
"It's your leg - it's broke in three places," says the doctor.
:scoot:
-
:aarrgh:
-
:ithank:
-
I second your remark, Clive. As to memory lane - :out:
-
;D
-
Clubbers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately
-
:aarrgh:
-
:laugh:
-
:groan:
-
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop
of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits,
and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at
the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two
nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
-
You are bringing a touch of class to our forum Nita. :laugh:
-
o:)
-
:hehe:
-
;D
I must try that sometime...
-
The wife asked if her mother could come down for a while.
I asked why.
She replied,
"Because she's been up on the shed roof for two weeks now".
:basil:
-
:)x
-
Two weeks is nowhere near long enough! ;D
-
Sue Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him....
Are you ready for this?
scoll down...............
scroll down.................................
Sum Ting Wong
-
:aarrgh:
-
May I associate myself with those comments... ;D
-
No, find your own. ;D
-
:laugh:
-
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat black fellah is dancing on a car roof."
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to
use the politically correct terminology"
"OK" he says
"Zulu...Tango....Sierra"
-
:laugh:
-
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
When behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP...
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
And,
The coffin stops!
=
-
:aarrgh: :out:
-
:hee-hee:
-
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
-
:groan: :laugh:
-
:aarrgh: :pmsl: :out:
-
:hee-hee:
-
I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.
I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"
Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."
-
:groan:
-
My work here is done. ;D
-
:laugh:
-
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
-
:arf:
-
:aarrgh:
-
A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
-
:groan:
-
:aarrgh: :evilban:
-
:smirks: I feel your pain.
-
A man lay on his death bed the other day, with his wife Tina, and sister Marge by his side.
When he saw them getting upset he comforted them...
"Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina..."
:)x
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:aarrgh:
-
:ithank:
-
:omg:
-
I bet you've got the tune running around your head though. ;)
-
Makes a change for me to have anything running around my head Rik. ;D
-
What, no hamsters? ;D
-
They fell asleep in the wheel.
-
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda p**sed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
~
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~
~
~
~
~
~
~
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you know what's coming don't you ?
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
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you'll be sorry you ever gave me your email address
after this....
~
~
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~
~
~
she flew off, saying.......
"Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!
-
:aarrgh:
-
Saw it coming, but... :groan:
-
An unfortunate turn of phrase. :devil:
-
Indeed. :hehe:
-
Little Johnny gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Little Johnny: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Little Johnny: The cow ate all of it.
Teacher: (looking at the paper again) Then, where's the cow?
Little Johnny: Gone to find more grass.
-
:laugh:
-
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: Because I have one at home!!!
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:lol:
-
Brilliant! Best jokes of the year so far! ;D
-
Crikey, standards must have plummeted lately! ;D
-
:laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh:
-
Standards? :o Nobody told me about them! :bawl:
-
;D
-
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
-
:aarrgh:
-
Make that a double. :aarrgh:
-
A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub.....
The doorman said "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
-
:aarrgh:
-
:hehe:
-
I'm with Clive, but not the sheep. :devil:
-
;D
-
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites
him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a
spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he
disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp
house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with
coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them
both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to
himself, because lions eat anything..
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is
to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is
attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees
to a pulp. By now he knows what to do
and shovels them into the lions cage
because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at
the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant,
today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
-
:groan: and :dv:
http://www.pc-pals.com/smf/the-laughter-zone/groaner-thread/msg156399/#msg156399
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Not to mention...
http://www.pc-pals.com/smf/the-laughter-zone/groaner-thread/msg31289/#msg31289
http://www.pc-pals.com/smf/the-laughter-zone/groaner-thread/msg19428/?topicseen#msg19428
http://www.pc-pals.com/smf/the-laughter-zone/groaner-thread/msg13414/?topicseen#msg13414
-
:pmsl: Most of those were from 2003. ;D
-
Three were. ;D
-
:pmsl:
-
:laugh:
-
A mate of mine recently admitted he was addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.
-
:aarrgh:
-
:haha:
-
I second that. ;D
-
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaning lady and it took her two days to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
-
:groan: :pmsl:
-
:pmsl:
-
:laugh:
-
:aarrgh:
-
Which breed of dog can you train most easily to fetch you a glass of wine?
A Bordeaux Collie.
-
:aarrgh:
-
I'll see your :aarrgh: and raise you an :aarrgh:
-
:arf:
-
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
'Dactor, it's me ahrse.I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
(Wait for it.............scroll down.)
'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'
-
:aarrgh: :out: :pmsl:
-
:smirks:
-
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> You're going to hate me for this...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO '
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:aarrgh: :out: :smirks:
-
:hee-hee:
-
A man is working on the buses in Texas collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off and the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sentenced to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Hmm..." says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Could I possibly have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.
When the smoke clears the man is still alive! The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so." says the executioner, "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job on the buses again, selling tickets.
One day, he again rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. This time a man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sentenced to the electric chair once more.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so he rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. "Do you have a final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your lunch?" asks the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. When the bloke has finished eating the banana the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts surge through the chair, blacking out the whole of Texas in the process.
When the smoke clears the man is still sat there in the chair grinning.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, remarkable as it seems, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. It's only his first day back, but once again he rings the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. Just as before, he's sent to the electric chair again.
Now the executioner rigs up the electricity supply for the entire USA to the chair, determined to do the job properly this time. The bloke is sitting there in the chair smiling as the executioner asks him for a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "I'd really like that green banana out of your lunch."
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats the whole thing, skin and all.
As soon as it's gone, the executioner pulls the handle and a gazillion amps go through the chair. The smoke takes ages to clear, but after it rises the bloke is still sat there alive without even so much as a scorch mark.
"I give up!" says the executioner, "I simply don't understand how anyone could possibly still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana, isn't it." he says.
"Nah..." said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."
-
:aarrgh: :out: ;D
-
:haha: Absolutely brilliant! ;D
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to Our local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
-
:rofl: Everyone a groaning gem.
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:ithank:
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:aarrgh:
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:laugh:
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Two members of the French foreign legion were lost in the desert, desperate for water and food. Finally they come across a market town full of stalls.
They walked around the stalls and quickly realised that they were all selling a pudding made out of sponge, fruit jelly, custard, and cream.
Perplexed, they stopped one of the locals to ask what was going on only to be told ‘Well, it is a trifle bazaar!’
-
:sigh: :out:
-
:smirks:
-
It's not unusual. In fact, I've heard there are hundreds and thousands.
-
:groan:
-
:aarrgh:
-
Noah's 2nd Ark
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want - after all you're the top guv' ...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. He stamps around for a bit then says, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
-
:aarrgh: :rofl:
Must be a cruising joke. ;)
-
I'd be forced to walk the gang plank! :o
-
:aarrgh: :pmsl:
-
When I was in France recently, the cheese factory I was visiting collapsed.
I was trapped in de Brie for hours.
-
How awful. Something similar happened to me once and I was trapped by the Roquefort ages.
-
:groan:
-
:aarrgh: I was OK, I had company Gorg and Zola. ;D
-
For Gouda's sake! :bawl:
-
That remark is a little stiltoned. :devil:
-
At least it wasn't blue. :)
-
Give me a good Red Leicester any day.
-
My mate who was a farmer had a hair brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones.
To do so he had to remortgage his house to finance it but things didn't go to plan, and although the sheep were larger they weren't as big as he'd hoped and he couldn't afford the repayments on his loan.
Suffice to say the bank reposessed his house and land, leaving him with just his sheep, nowhere to live and penniless.
The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.
-
:aarrgh: :laugh:
-
:aarrgh: :aarrgh:
-
:ithank:
-
What's wrapped in aluminium foil and hangs around the cathedral?
The lunchpack of Notre Dame
-
:aarrgh:
-
:ithank:
-
:groan:
-
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole.
-
:pmsl:
-
:rofl:
-
I recently bought a hen, but every time I touch it I get an electric shock.
I think it's from a battery farm.
-
You're not going to keep this up all through the panto season are you? :o
-
Oh yes I am! ;D
-
Oh no you aren't. ;D
-
:omg: :peepsofa:
-
He's behind you! :laugh:
-
Due to severe weather conditions its been reported that there is a wig blowing down Main Street. Police have advised no one should approach it as it's off its head.
-
:aarrgh:
-
And they keep coming...
I went for a job at the navy and the officer says to me, "Can you swim?"
I said, "Why? Have you got no boats?"
-
I bought the wife's Christmas presents today; a pair of slippers and a vibrator.
So, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself.
-
:out: ;D
-
:hee-hee:
-
My mate's just been charged with murder for killing a bloke with sandpaper. I thought he was only going to rough him up a bit.
-
I've just done my chores for today and filled the dishwasher, or as the Missus likes to call it "making love".
-
:aarrgh: ;D
-
:pmsl:
-
:laugh:
-
James Bond goes to a Christmas fancy dress party, one of his friends say to him,
"James, you smell absolutely lovely! But what have you come as?"
To which he replies,"A mint spy"
-
:out: I've had enough of this! :bawl:
-
:laugh:
-
Oh no he didn't. ;D
-
;D
-
I think we will have to split you two up. Leave it to me and I will hijack another forum. :devil:
-
Well, you're about due one. :)
-
Every ten years Simon. ;D
-
Try Netters, Clive, you'll soon be back. ;D
-
I am a member so it should be an easy task for someone with my experience. :devil:
-
With the emphasis on should. :o:
-
:)x
-
I suffered with a lazy eye as a child.
Unfortunately it's spread to the rest of my body.
--
I was in prison and my cellmate told me to look out for 'one-eyed Bill'.
"Why?" I asked "Is he dangerous?"
He said "No. He keeps bumping into people".
--
I must have an amazing rear end because every time I finish talking to someone and turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an arse"
--
My wife is leaving me because because because because becaaaaaauuuse she thinks I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.
--
My wife's so fat we were sunbathing on the beach today and the Lifeguard came over and said to her.."Excuse me Miss, could you move, the tides waiting to come in".
--
Apparently, a lorry carrying Vicks has overturned on the M6, spreading Vicks all over the road.
In spite of this, there was absolutely no congestion for 3 days.
--
I'm fed up with girls having to talk all the time. The one I met last night was even talking during sex.
She kept saying things like "Help!" and "Get off me!"
--
Archeologists digging under a pyramid in Egypt have discovered a new mummy, always exciting times, however this one is covered in chocolate and nuts It is believed to be Pharoah Rocher!
--
My new Thai girlfirend said: "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship."
I still wish she didn't have one.
--
I walked into my local florist today.
"I'll have the biggest bunch of flowers you have."
"Ooh, who's the lucky lady?" asked the assistant.
"It's my wife", I replied, "she's not feeling well."
"Oh dear. What is it?"
"Hay fever."
--
I had my male to female sex change done last week and I'd say it was a success.
I'm still trying to reverse out of the NHS car park.
--
I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come let me know.
-
:pmsl: :pmsl: :pmsl:
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:aarrgh: :groan: :aarrgh:
-
:ithank:
-
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
...................................
............. .............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy
Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!
-
:aarrgh:
-
:smirks:
-
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,
"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
-
:aarrgh:
-
:hehe:
-
Following the discovery of King Richard's remains, the Leicester branch of Millets have announced a sale on all camping gear until the spring.
A spokesperson said, "Now is the winter of our discount tents"
-
:bawl: :bawl: :bawl: :bawl:
-
:smirks:
-
After a long car ride, a young man was disgusted when his car suddenly broke down. Getting out, he noticed that the road was purple. The grass to each side was purple as well, and there was a purple sky. There was also a purple path that led to a purple house. Deciding he'd follow the purple path, he came to the purple house and knocked on the purple door. A few minutes later the purple door was opened to reveal a man wearing a purple robe and purple slippers. He asked what the matter was, to which the young man replied, "Hi, my name is George. My car broke down on the road. Could I use your phone?" The man in the purple robe replied that he didn't have a purple phone, but he would be happy to let George stay in his purple house for the night, for there had just started a purple thunderstorm outside, and he would help George out in the morning. George gave his thanks. "Don't mention it," said the man in the purple robe, who closed the purple door, led him across the purple hallway that had a purple rug, through his purple livingroom, and to his purple stairs. At the top of the purple stairs, George noticed another purple hallway with another purple rug, and there was a row of several purple doors on either side of the purple hall. The purple-robed man led George to the first purple door, opened the purple door, gave the young man a second purple robe, and bade him goodnight.
About an hour later, there was another knock on the purple door. The purple-robed man came to the purple door and opened it, to reveal a rain-drenched man, who had also broken down, and revealed himself as Billy. The purple-robed man led Billy into his downstairs purple hallway with the purple rug, closed the purple door, and led him through the purple livingroom and up the purple stairs to the upstairs purple hallway with the purple rug, and led him to the second purple door. Opening the second purple door, the purple-robed man gave Billy a third purple robe and bade him good night as well.
About an hour later, once again, there was a third knock on the purple door. The purple-robed man opened it to reveal another rain-drenched man, who had also broken down outside, and his name was Dan. The purple-robed man led Dan into his downstairs purple hallway with the purple rug, closed the purple door, and led Dan through his purple livingroom, up the purple stairs, and into the upstairs purple hallway with the purple rug. The purple-robed man took Dan to the third purple door, gave him a fourth purple robe, and told him to have a good purple night.
The next morning, the three men opened their purple doors and came out into the upstairs purple hallway with the purple rug, all wearing their purple robes, and started down the purple stairs. Heading through the purple livingroom, they entered the purple kitchen where the purple-robed man was, preparing some breakfast. He asked the men what they would like, and they just decided on some cereal. The three men sat down at the purple table and the purple-robed man brought out Frosted Flakes and Cheerios. George picked Frosted Flakes, Billy Cheerios, and Dan Frosted Flakes. Now, what's the moral of this story?
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Two out of three men prefer Frosted Flakes to Cheerios!
-
:out:
-
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
-
:splat:
-
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
-
:aarrgh:
-
:smirks:
-
A man was stopped by the police for driving a Ferrari Enzo at over 100mph he was charged with DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF AFFLUENCE and speeding
-
That's not even worth a :groan:
-
:smirks:
-
CHICKEN SURPRISE A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant,
and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around,
before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,
looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,
explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
(You're going to love this,
and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.......
-
:aarrgh:
-
Suitable punishment for Simon's Quiz of the Week win. Not that I'm vindictive. :o:
Two brooms were hanging in the cupboard.....
After a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, Of course,The bride broom, the other,The groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom:
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !'
Said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
-
:aarrgh:
-
:smirks:
-
I've just arrived for the Positive Thinking workshop. The class is half empty. :dunno:
-
:)x
-
:)x
-
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I can't stop myself buying tickets for every draw and raffle going."
The doctor's eye's widened, "I'm sorry Mr Jones, but we're going to have to put you into isolation straight away."
"Why's that doc?" stuttered the man.
"I'm afraid you've contracted the British strain of a highly contagious disease", replied the doctor donning a mask.
"For god's sake, what is it?" gulped the man.
"It's the Tombola virus," replied the doctor. (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv300%2FMothballs%2FSmileys%2Fdoctor_zpsc70e8960.gif&hash=3ce9d3e866ed1f35c46fcc552aef20194775dec3)
-
:groan:
-
:aarrgh:
-
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport recently found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Manchester area and voiced concerns that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist subsequently examined the remains of the birds and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian 'Flu. The cause of death almost invariably appeared to be the result of vehicular impacts.
During a detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws and by further analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car or motorcycle.
The Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate ratio of truck kills versus car kills, whereupon an Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree, or other observation point, to warn of impending danger. However, while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could say "Lorry."
-
:laugh:
-
Brilliant! ;D
-
;D
Where does a Jamaican composer live?
In D flat.
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fliping hit it.
q.Who are the coolest blokes at the hospital?
A: The ultra-sound guys!
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
Q: What does a mathematician do when he's consitpated?
A: He works it out with a pencil
-
:aarrgh:
-
:lol2:
-
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant where a gorgeous redhead was sitting alone at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning reflexes, he grabbed it out of the air and casually returned it to her in a napkin.
"Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman said, as she popped it back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
Well, they enjoyed a really marvelous evening together and then went to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had an incredible time. The following morning she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so wonderful!
"You know," he said, "you're the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You’re just the first one who happened to catch my eye." (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv300%2FMothballs%2FSmileys%2Feyepatch_zpsxptrbvzi.gif&hash=6363a28467e9619ac43f7497d4b5fd3a78de8d70)
-
:laugh:
-
:aarrgh:
-
;D
-
A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm. "Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the man. "It's his birthday."
-
:)x
-
:pmsl:
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was close to death from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse watered and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to cool down and feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, no worries Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
-
:aarrgh: :aarrgh: :aarrgh:
-
Did you hear about the time they decided to take a holiday in Canada?
When it was time to leave, they mounted up and the Lone Ranger said, "it's onto Toronto pronto Tonto!"
-
:out:
-
:smirks:
-
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time.
She said ‘sorry about the wait.’
I said ‘don’t worry fatty, do some exercises and you’re bound to lose it eventually. ‘
-
:groan:
-
::)
-
A bit long - but . . . . . .
John Hill and his new wife Bev were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. John could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! John attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, John shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, John knows he has to get her medical assistance.
John carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. John immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is John Hill, and this is my wife Bev. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
John brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Bev and carries her downstairs, with John following closely. Igor places Bev on a table in the lab. John collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places John on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. John and Bev Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Bev's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as John's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Bev and John both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!......
Scroll down.
You’re gonna kill me!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
-
I did. ;D
-
A bloke's enjoying a pint at the bar when he hears a tiny voice saying, "That's a very nice shirt you're wearing tonight." He looks around, then realizes no one is there. He shrugs it off and continues drinking.
A couple minutes later he hears another tiny voice saying, "You look really handsome with your hair combed like that." Once again he looks around, and once again realizes that nobody is talking to him. So he calls the barman over and tells him about the voices.
The barman asks what the voices are saying, then tells him, "Oh, no need to worry. That'll be the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
-
Noo!! :out: :laugh:
-
:laugh:
-
A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.
The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."
So the duck left.
The following day the duck went back and asked again.
This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor."
The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?"
The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then.
-
;D
-
Dracula is walking down the road one day, when suddenly a ton of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and potato chips, all smothered in garlic, falls from a great height and knocks him to the ground.
"Oh, no!" he gasps with his dying breath...
"It's buffet the Vampire Slayer!" (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv300%2FMothballs%2FSmileys%2Fdrac_zpsadrkshn6.gif&hash=04cb5f1010de005b57d5ed5d86def0576daeaaec)
-
:aarrgh:
-
What do they call the person whose job it is to wake up the Dalai Lama?
The Dalai Alarmer of course.
-
:aarrgh:
-
:facepalm:
-
The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “Would that be Manchester United manager?”
-
:devil:
-
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started :)x
-
;D
-
:)x
-
A man attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she’s ugly!”
” I beg your pardon, That’s my daughter you’re talking about!” the person responds.
“Oops! I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know you we’re the father.”
“I’m not, you stupid idiot. I’m her mother!”
-
:)x
-
;D
-
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out how to understand women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody. :)
-
:facepalm:
-
;D
-
A boy at shool asks his teacher to go to the bathroom. His teacher tells him he has to sing the alphabet. the boy says,
“ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.”
His teacher asks,
Where’s the P?
The kid says,
“Running down my leg.”
-
:bawl:
-
And indeed, where's the 'c' in school? ;D
-
He was crap in school. :crazy:
-
There's a C in every class. :o:
-
Usually standing at the front. :o:
-
It was certainly the case in the school I went to. Most of the teachers had been SS trained.
-
A friend said to me, “I can never do the Welsh accent. Every time I try it sounds like a Pakistani”.
I said “You’ll just have to try harder, Ahmed.” :devil:
-
:devil:
-
:facepalm:
-
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving. :-*
-
:)x
-
I keep getting anonymous texts telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth. I think they might be trying to groom me
-
;D
-
;D
-
I once knew a blonde girl who said when she found out she was pregnant? “I’m not even sure it’s mine?”
-
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
-
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Beggars.
-
:facepalm:
That reminds me of the brilliant Steven Wright: "I woke up this morning to find that everything in my flat had been stolen, and replaced it with an exact replica. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said 'Who are you?'"
-
;D
-
My wife says I shouldn't moan when she parks several inches out from the kerb, but one I'm one inch out of place in the bedroom she goes berserk.
-
:devil:
-
;D
-
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin. :)x
-
I heard that A camel can work 10 days without drinking, Well I can drink 10 days without working.
-
My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I went out and got drunk.
-
;D
-
;D
-
Tom had spent his life collecting tractors. Every time one broke down, or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to retire, and, since he had grown tired of tractors, he decided to sell off his massive collection. So he put advertisements in local and national papers and waited. He didn't have long to wait. A few days later, he received a letter from a businessman whose company had built many of the tractors mentioned in the ad and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local tavern. The businessman arrived on the appointed date and went into the tavern. He soon located the farmer, despite the very heavy clouds of pipe smoke in the air. An hour passed in most pleasant conversation, as the pair turned out to have much in common.
"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the businessman, "but maybe we could go somewhere else. I find it very hard to concentrate with this much smoke in the air."
"There's no need for that," said the farmer, "watch this." He proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
"Hey, how did you manage that?" gasped the businessman.
"Oh, it was nothing," replied the farmer. "I'm an ex-tractor fan." (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv300%2FMothballs%2FSmileys%2Ftractor_zpsre3cmpdd.gif&hash=ac8a5a26518f1fa5fb4c9ee64af7e639649afbfa)
-
:aargh:
-
;D
-
::) ;D
-
Q: Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?
A: To see his Flat Mate.
-
Q. Why did the orange use suntan lotion?
A. He started to peel.
-
:aarrgh:
-
:facepalm:
-
A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck.
They were both cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick.
Do you know why?
The baby chick was a little cheaper. :D
-
:out:
-
:sigh:
-
An Englishman, Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer do some juggling. When the juggler notices the four blokes have a very poor view from where they're standing he gets up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
-
:facepalm:
-
:)x
-
'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse (1928-2003)
-
:laugh:
-
;D
-
A group of Legionnaires were marching across the scorching desert. They hadn't had water for three days and hadn't eaten for a week, but they did not crack and strode solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze. "Psssst" said he. His companions halted and trained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.
"Voila!", said he, " Regardez, mes amis. Isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?" And sure enough there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the burning desert, the fabled bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the object in the far distance. Inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree.
Closer and closer they crept, when suddenly a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand all around them and the other two returned fire while administering first aid to their wounded comrade. Even as they bandaged him they could hear his faint voice: "Zat was no bacon tree!" he gasped...
"Zat was an 'am bush."
-
:facepalm: :omg:
-
:groan:
-
At home we've got an aviary where we keep birds of prey, but one of them will only exercise at night to 80's music.
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
-
:facepalm:
-
:laugh:
-
Single v Engaged v Married
Three sheilas were having a girl's night out and talked about their blokes.
The single sheila said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my bloke's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that he rooted me on his desk right then and there!" :o:
The engaged sheila giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!" :leer:
The married sheila put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.
I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. :crazy:
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'" :bawl: :)x
-
Blimey, talk about a blast from the past! :crazy:
-
The joke? ;D
-
;D
-
What sort of past have you got Simon? Very murky by the sound of it, are you a bit of a Clement? :)x
-
So let me get this straight. The two girls were abused for 30 years but kept going back for more. And then kept quiet about it for another few decades. Then ITV wait until his poor widow is 89 until they blow the whistle. Shame on them! Totally outrageous!
-
One of them apparently went to live with him! They also seem to be associating him with the McCann case. But then, they will jump on any bandwagon for publicity. ::)
-
What sort of past have you got Simon? Very murky by the sound of it, are you a bit of a Clement? :)x
':|
Not murky, Den, just shorter than some. :P
-
Blimey, Bev, good to see you! I'm amazed you managed to remember your password after all this time. :hatoff:
-
We should change it. :devil:
-
We should check the error logs and see how many times she tried to log in! :devil:
-
Blimey, Bev, good to see you! I'm amazed you managed to remember your password after all this time. :hatoff:
Dunno what you mean Rodders, I just stepped out to use the bathroom... and 3years went down the pan!! :dunno: :)x
-
Hope you've cleaned up! :ack: :)x
-
Hope you've cleaned up! :ack: :)x
Don't be silly Baldy, why have a dog and bark myself?1?! :leer:
-
;D
-
I once got caught breaking into a Spanish farm. As a punishment, the irate farmer said, "You either milk all the cows, or fight my brother." Not fancying either, I asked, "Is there a third choice?" The farmer replied angrily, "No, it's either juan or the udder."
-
:aarrgh:
-
;D
-
A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.
The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. :sorry:
-
:sigh:
-
:facepalm:
-
Old Couple
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
-
:pmsl:
-
;D
-
I was passing by Wormwood Scrubs prison on the bus the other day, when I saw a knotted sheet dangling from one of the windows with a dwarf climbing down it. The woman next to me said "Look at that midget!" I said, "That's a little con descending."
-
:facepalm:
-
:pmsl:
-
The bartender says…”we don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
-
:clever:
-
;D
-
I filled the car up earlier and didn't notice I'd spilled petrol on my sleeve. Then, after driving off, I lit up a fag and my sleeve burst into flames. So I opened the window and stuck out my arm to try and blow out the flames. Now the police are doing me for having an unlicensed fire arm.
-
:groan:
-
;D
-
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me when I was in the supermarket earlier. Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
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:aarrgh:
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;D
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A Catholic and a Hindu are making toast. Suddenly the Catholic exclaims, "Look there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!" The Hindu says, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
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:facepalm:
-
;D
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I was walking past my fridge earlier and thought I heard the onions singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the door it was just chives talking.
-
:)x
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;D
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A bloke goes into a Scottish baker's and says, "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond; All ma cakes are a poond." "Oh, okay. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh, why's that then?" "That's Madeira cake."
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:aarrgh:
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:laugh:
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A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."
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:facepalm:
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;D
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A guy visits Amsterdam and whilst there meets and fall in love with a young lady. He moves in with her and gets a job, which means he is out all day and the girlfriend is lonely. She asks if he will buy her a pet.
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.
Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop. "I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.
At the next pet shop he asks the same question. The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.
At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed. "Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how
about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.
At the last petshop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer. "I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"
"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.
He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper...
"Excuse me... How Dutch is that moggie in the window...?
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:out:
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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
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:aarrgh:
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." :)x
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:groan:
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How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers.
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:aarrgh:
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What did the snowman say to the policeman ?
"I think I can smell carrots."
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:facepalm:
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A Womans dog is drowning in the sea.
A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it & saves its life.
'Are you a vet' asked the woman.
'Vet?' said the German 'I’m F**king soaked!'
· saw 2 dwarfs knocking f**k out of each other in the carpark today, probably the shortest fight I've ever seen !!! : /
· After a visit to a whore house, a man notices a green lump on his willy so goes to doc's. "That's serious" says doc, "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ears?" "Yes," says man nervously. "Well", says doc, "You've got a brothel sprout!”
· A man drags a huge metal box to the antiques roadshow at his local town. "Where did you get this from?" asks the expert. "oh, it's been in my loft for over 40 years. I think it's an heirloom" replied the man. "do you have insurance?" asks the expert. "no, should I?" asks the man. "yes, it's your water tank" replies the expert.
· My friend went to hospital for an operation to cure his premature ejaculation. I rang & asked the nurse how he was doing..she said "It's still touch & go" : /
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The brothel sprout one was actually funny! ;D
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I wouldn't quite go that far! ;D
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Always Complaining…
An elderly man asked a hospital doctor, “Can you give me an update on the condition of my wife, Mrs. Walters, who was admitted yesterday?”
“Ah yes, Mrs. Walters,” sighed the doctor.” In the short time she has been here she has done nothing but complain - about her bed, the food, the other patients and even the nurses.”
The man frowned. “So you mean-“
“Yes,” interrupted the doctor “I’m afraid she’s critical.”
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:facepalm:
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>:(
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:smirks:
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Knock, knock....
Who’s there?
Norma Lee..
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don’t go around knocking on doors, but I just had to get back to meet you! :P
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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris...
Doris who?
Doris locked. Open up! ;D
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:facepalm:
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And there was me thinking that old wines improve with age. ;D
-
And there was me thinking that old wines improve with age. ;D
Don't drop your aitches Clive. :laugh:
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;D
-
:o:
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Don't drop your aitches Clive. :laugh:
TAnd there was me thinking that old wines improve with age. ;D
Cheeky Mr Clive! :out:
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:smirks:
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You spelt 'winos' with an 'e', Clive. :devil:
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Bloody mobile phones! >:(
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One day in the jungle, a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner with. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions, which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to discover that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well, where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”What did you do that for?” cried the chimp.
”Because,” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar.”
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:aarrgh: :groan:
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:lol:
-
:facepalm: ;D
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Arial and Helvetica walk into a pub. They go to order drinks and the barmaid says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type".
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:aarrgh:
-
Imagine the reaction Wingdings would get
-
:facepalm:
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;D
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A guy asks his neighbour in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbour.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbour smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
A farmer asked me the other day if I'd help him round up 18 sheep. Sure I said, 20
Last night I dreamt I'd written Lord of the Rings. My friend said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep.
I used to work as a ride attendant on waltzers and I was sacked for spinning people around too fast. I sued my employers for funfair dismissal.
My husband keeps getting mad at me because of the fact that I have no sense of direction. Enough was enough, so I just packed up my stuff and right.
A woman I know was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?" She replied, "No, first a Gibson and THEN a Fender.”
A warning to whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I WILL track you down and I will make you very sorry for what you did. You have my Word.
I have a very irritating friend who is constantly telling me to cheer up. "Come on, things could be so much worse," he always says - "After all, you could be trapped deep underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
I've been looking for a new hobby and so I recently decided to take up fencing. Unfortunately, the neighbours have told me they're going to call the police unless I put it straight back.
A gangster gave his girlfriend a mink stole for her birthday. "Wow, is it really mink?" she asked. He replied "Well, it's definitely stole...."
I was asked yesterday if I could clear the table after we'd finished dinner. I had to take a very long run-up, but I made it!
Apparently, there's one nightmare neighbour on every street who everybody else really can't stand - but I like ALL of my neighbours, so they must have got that one wrong....
I asked Elton John if he could name all the counties of England. He got them all bar one. Surrey seems to be the hardest word.
Boy George has opened a zoo. There’s only 6 animals there…Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Chameleon.
The shoplifter who is stealing t-shirts in order of size is still at large.
New zookeeper accidentally kills some birds, so he throws them into the lion cage. Next he runs over a couple of chimps in his van so he throws them into the lion cage. Then he drops a bee hive so he throws that into the lion cage as well. New lion arrives and asks what the food's like. Another lion says 'So so normally, but today we had finch, chimps and mushy bees.'
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Two cows in a field. Which one's on holiday?
The one with the wee calf
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Tim Vine, eat your heart out!
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Simon, you took the words out of my mouth :laugh: .
-
f(x) walks into a pub and the barman says, "Sorry we don't do functions"
-
:facepalm:
-
f(x) walks into a pub and the barman says, "Sorry we don't do functions"
:thumb:
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Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists,I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the blooming thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Blow that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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:basil: :basil:
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:facepalm:
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Police are appealing for witnesses to a crash involving two articulated trucks which led to the closure of a section of motorway yesterday for a number of hours, one was carrying cream and the other strawberries, the drivers have apparently desserted the area.
-
:aarrgh:
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:facepalm:
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I've just started a part time job in a factory making chess pieces.
I'm on knights next week.
-
:aarrgh:
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A friend just messaged me. He thinks he's caught Covid from his cat.
Don't ask meow.
:D
Here all week...
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!" :crazy:
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:bawl:
-
:pmsl:
-
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed." :)x
-
;D
-
:laugh:
-
A recent study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It must be true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. :o:
-
It's been a strange day, first thing I found this hat on the floor in the town and it was full of money.
Then this angry man with a guitar chased me down the road and grabbed it off me. :)x
-
:)x
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(https://i.ibb.co/s59Gt7z/IMG-20210801-WA0032.jpg)
-
There are a lot of empty seats! :o:
-
Did you not get it? :facepalm:
-
Yes of course. It's because of her name. :)
-
:facepalm:
-
Thanks Den, I was trying to be kind to him. It really was the worst joke of all time. :laugh:
-
I didn't write it! :bawl:
-
I've received the same photo from someone I used to hold in high esteem. :facepalm:
-
:laugh:
-
A cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a whiskey.
When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender. :crazy:
-
:facepalm:
-
;D
-
Dai had been a loyal employee on a South Wales sheep farm for the best part of twenty years. Approaching his third decade in the job, however, Dai suffered a mid life crisis and decided that he simply must have a career change. Thinking about different possibilities for a new life direction, he called to mind his fondness for James Bond movies and decided that was the ideal job for him. Soon, his application to become a secret agent found its way ro the desk of the MI6 recruitment director at Vauxhall Bridge in London. Called in for interview, Dai was asked to explain his previous employment history. After providing a detailed insight into his many years on the Welsh sheep farm, the spy master apologised to Dai saying that he would not be suitable to join them as a secret agent as he had no relevant previous experience. "But I've worked on a sheep farm for twenty years!" protested Dai. "And how, exactly, is that relevant?" asked the Diector.
"I would make a great Shepherd Spy," said Dai.
-
:facepalm: :wales:
-
:groan:
-
A teacher asked three of his pupils to state the odd one out among potato, cabbage, and knife.
The first pupil said, "The knife is the odd one out because the other two are vegetables."
The second pupil said, "The knife is the odd one out because it is the only one that contains metal."
The third pupil said, "The cabbage is the odd one out."
"How do you work that out?" asked the teacher.
The pupil replied, "You can make chips with the other two."
:facepalm:
-
:aarrgh:
-
:)x