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The Laughter Zone / Re: Ooooops
« Last post by Clive on June 03, 2023, 22:36 »
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2
The Laughter Zone / Ooooops
« Last post by Den on June 03, 2023, 21:24 »A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be very disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops".....
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be very disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops".....
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The Laughter Zone / Job at Zoo.
« Last post by Den on May 25, 2023, 14:36 »I needed a bit of extra money recently and saw that Chester Zoo was advertising for someone to act as a gorilla as their one had died.
I got the job and the keeper gave me the gorilla suit and told me that whatever happened I was to stay in the cage and just make gorilla noises and not do anything else.
Anyway, all went well that morning but that afternoon a boy came along and threw a lit firework into my cage.
I was so frightened I jumped out of my cage and into the cage next door. As I turned and looked round I realised I had jumped into the tiger cage and the tiger was slowly coming towards me.
Forgetting the rule of just making gorilla noises, I started yelling “Help! Help”.
The tiger leapt at me and pushed me to the ground.
Then he said “Just shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!!”
I got the job and the keeper gave me the gorilla suit and told me that whatever happened I was to stay in the cage and just make gorilla noises and not do anything else.
Anyway, all went well that morning but that afternoon a boy came along and threw a lit firework into my cage.
I was so frightened I jumped out of my cage and into the cage next door. As I turned and looked round I realised I had jumped into the tiger cage and the tiger was slowly coming towards me.
Forgetting the rule of just making gorilla noises, I started yelling “Help! Help”.
The tiger leapt at me and pushed me to the ground.
Then he said “Just shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!!”
6
The Buzz / Re: Tina Turner: Music legend dies at 83
« Last post by Simon on May 25, 2023, 10:15 »I wasn't a huge fan, but my favourite was Be Tender With Me Baby.
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The Buzz / Re: Tina Turner: Music legend dies at 83
« Last post by Clive on May 25, 2023, 07:45 »My favourite was River Deep Mountain High.
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The Buzz / Tina Turner: Music legend dies at 83
« Last post by Clive on May 24, 2023, 20:06 »Singer Tina Turner, whose soul classics and pop hits like The Best and What's Love Got to Do With It made her a superstar, has died at the age of 83.
Turner had suffered a number of health issues in recent years including cancer, a stroke and kidney failure.
She rose to fame alongside husband Ike in the 1960s with songs including Proud Mary and River Deep, Mountain High.
She divorced the abusive Ike in 1978, and went on to find even greater success as a solo artist in the 1980s.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/65669653
Turner had suffered a number of health issues in recent years including cancer, a stroke and kidney failure.
She rose to fame alongside husband Ike in the 1960s with songs including Proud Mary and River Deep, Mountain High.
She divorced the abusive Ike in 1978, and went on to find even greater success as a solo artist in the 1980s.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/65669653
