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The Laughter Zone / Re: Ten pigs go to market.
« Last post by Clive on March 26, 2023, 09:24 »
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The Laughter Zone / Ten pigs go to market.
« Last post by Den on March 25, 2023, 20:51 »A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were
mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a
week.
Both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were
mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a
week.
Both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
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The Laughter Zone / The day we met.
« Last post by Den on March 21, 2023, 19:44 »A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
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The Laughter Zone / Talking dog
« Last post by Den on March 18, 2023, 21:16 »A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping,
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping,
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
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The Laughter Zone / Poor rabbit
« Last post by Den on March 17, 2023, 21:08 »A man was speeding down a back country road, when he saw a rabbit hopping in the middle of the road. Although he tried to swerve and miss it, he hit the rabbit squarely.
Being a true animal lover, the man slammed on his brakes, leapt from his car, and hurried to see if the rabbit was alright.
To his dismay he found the rabbit was dead.
As the man sorrowing over the rabbit's limp body, he heard another car coming.
The other car stopped and the driver emerged to see what was going on.
The other driver, a blonde, nudged the rabbit's limp body with her toe and remarked that it surely was dead.
The man once again expressed his grief over having killed the poor innocent animal but the blonde said not to worry.
She ran to her car, dug around inside, and returned with a spray can.
She sprayed the rabbit's body and, sure enough, after a few minutes, the rabbit stirred, quivered, and then rose to a crouching position.
A moment later the rabbit started down the road as if nothing had ever happened.
However, every few feet the rabbit would turn and wave goodbye.
The man was astounded!
He snatched the spray can from the blonde to see just what kind of magic she had done!
The spray can bore the label: ALBERTO VO5
...Restores life to any dead limp hair and gives it a permanent wave.
Being a true animal lover, the man slammed on his brakes, leapt from his car, and hurried to see if the rabbit was alright.
To his dismay he found the rabbit was dead.
As the man sorrowing over the rabbit's limp body, he heard another car coming.
The other car stopped and the driver emerged to see what was going on.
The other driver, a blonde, nudged the rabbit's limp body with her toe and remarked that it surely was dead.
The man once again expressed his grief over having killed the poor innocent animal but the blonde said not to worry.
She ran to her car, dug around inside, and returned with a spray can.
She sprayed the rabbit's body and, sure enough, after a few minutes, the rabbit stirred, quivered, and then rose to a crouching position.
A moment later the rabbit started down the road as if nothing had ever happened.
However, every few feet the rabbit would turn and wave goodbye.
The man was astounded!
He snatched the spray can from the blonde to see just what kind of magic she had done!
The spray can bore the label: ALBERTO VO5
...Restores life to any dead limp hair and gives it a permanent wave.
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The Buzz / Derek and the Dominos drummer Jim Gordon dead at 77
« Last post by Simon on March 16, 2023, 11:15 »Jim Gordon, the renowned session drummer who played with Derek and the Dominoes and many more, but was later jailed after murdering his mother, has died at the age of 77.
The news was confirmed in a statement from publicist Bob Merlis, who said Gordon died "after a long incarceration and lifelong battle with mental illness.”
Gordon was a member of the so-called Wrecking Crew in the 1960s, playing on dozens of hits and on albums like The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds in 1967 and the following year's Byrds album The Notorious Byrd Brothers. After touring with Delaney & Bonnie in 1970 he joined Eric Clapton – who called him "the greatest rock’n’roll drummer I have ever played with" – plus Carl Radle and Bobby Whitlock in forming Derek and the Dominoes.
https://www.loudersound.com/news/derek-and-the-dominos-drummer-jim-gordon-dead-at-77
The news was confirmed in a statement from publicist Bob Merlis, who said Gordon died "after a long incarceration and lifelong battle with mental illness.”
Gordon was a member of the so-called Wrecking Crew in the 1960s, playing on dozens of hits and on albums like The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds in 1967 and the following year's Byrds album The Notorious Byrd Brothers. After touring with Delaney & Bonnie in 1970 he joined Eric Clapton – who called him "the greatest rock’n’roll drummer I have ever played with" – plus Carl Radle and Bobby Whitlock in forming Derek and the Dominoes.
https://www.loudersound.com/news/derek-and-the-dominos-drummer-jim-gordon-dead-at-77