PC Pals Forum
General Discussion => The Laughter Zone => Topic started by: Rodders on December 21, 2014, 12:01
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WANTED:
Assistant required to fill hourglasses with sand. No timewasters.
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:arf:
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;D
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As a child I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. :(
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:)x
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:laugh:
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My wife accused me of being immature. I said "Shut up and get out of my fort."
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:)x
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I couldn't log into PC-Pals last night so I sat and chatted with the wife instead. I was surprised to hear she no longer works at Woolworths.
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We now have a minging Co op where our lovely Woolies used to be. :bawl:
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Yuk!
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I'm going to take up this offer I saw on Amazon today. If you buy some Adam Ant sheet music they'll throw in a free stand, and deliver.
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:aarrgh:
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:laugh:
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It's been reported that 25% of Britons fail to get grade C or higher in GCSE maths. Disgraceful. That's more than half.
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;D
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:laugh:
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A bloke goes into the opticians. "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes," says the man. "Have you ever seen a doctor?" asks the optician. The man replies, "No, just spots."
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:sigh:
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;D
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaarrrghhhh!" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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:devil:
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;D
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I rang up a local building firm and said "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you." (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv300%2FMothballs%2FSmileys%2Fhardhat_zpsqlfh0dwk.gif&hash=6c57e90c32b31e195ecfd204046b72137c657cf5)
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:basil:
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:laugh:
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I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."
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;D
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:D
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In a restaurant a man asks the waiter, "I'm just wondering how you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
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:bawl:
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:laugh:
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Apparently, double-barreled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.
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:)x
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;D
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My local pub is organizing a Hop fest this summer. I'm not sure whether it's a beer festival or Heather Mills' birthday. :dunno:
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Ouch! ;D
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:o:
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Last night I was sat on the edge of the bed, pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me, "Darling, please don't do that to the dogs."
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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what startled him the most, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
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I got so sick of the Trick or Treaters last Halloween that I turned off the light and pretended I wasn't at home. B*ll*cks to the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
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:laugh:
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:laugh: Love it!
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After almost a year in a coma, my wife is having to start learning the basics again: how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.
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:pmsl:
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:laugh:
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It is my sad duty to advise you that Britain's fattest man has died. The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
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:D
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;D
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I just ate a KFC completely smothered in ketchup. It's just one of many things I like to do while smothered in Ketchup.
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:laugh:
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A midget walks into a second hand book shop and asks, "Have you any books on Irony ?" Shopkeeper replies, "Top shelf mate".
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:crazy:
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:o:
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Last night I was tickling my son's feet and my wife started yelling at me, "Can't you wait until he's born?"
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;D
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:laugh:
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My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault really. I should have taken them off.
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;D
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:)x
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What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
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:laugh:
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:aarrgh: ;D
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Anyone here called Phillip? I think I've found your screwdriver.
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:)x
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:bawl:
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——I had amnesia once – or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A torch is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
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You could have got about 20 posts out of them, Den! :)x
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:arf:
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Three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey I'm home!"
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:haha:
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;D
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When I was a kid we were so poor we would go to the KFC and lick other people's fingers.
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:ack: ;D
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Finger lickin' good! ;D
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I thought having a vasectomy would prevent my wife getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.
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:pmsl:
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:laugh:
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The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
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:aarrgh:
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:groan:
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I've taken up speed-reading and last night managed War And Peace in 28 seconds. I know it's only three words, but it's a start.
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:)x
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:laugh:
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I never wanted to believe that my son was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
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;D
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:groan:
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I farted on the bus today and four people turned round. Felt like I was on The Voice.
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:devil:
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The what? :dunno:
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surely that can't before your time Simon :laugh:
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No, that, and shows like it, are a scourge of these times, Den. ;D
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I can't watch them either! :laugh:
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Me neither, but at least I know what they are. ;D
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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;D
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;D
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
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:laugh:
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;D
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Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "What the f*ck are you doing?"
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;D
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:laugh:
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Pritt isn't the best lip-balm I've ever used, but I can't complain.
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;D
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Looking back, I now wish I'd bought my baked beans online. Heinz site's a wonderful thing.
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:-\ ::)
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:)x
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Sometimes I use big words I don't fully understand in an effort to make myself seem more photosynthesis.
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;D
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;D
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I like to walk around the house naked, but the police made me go back indoors.
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:)x
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:laugh:
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My mate David had his ID stolen the other day. Now we just call him Dav.
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:facepalm:
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:devil:
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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it :thumbs:
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;D
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:grrr:
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Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
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::)
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As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia! :stars:
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Who are you? :dunno:
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:laugh:
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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Why wasn't Jesus born in the Liverpool? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. :devil:
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;D
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;D
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I spent a couple of hours at the wife's grave this morning. She thinks I'm digging a pond.
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;D
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:devil:
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
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You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
o O o
You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
o O o
You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
o O o
You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
o O o
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:facepalm:
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;D
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Apparently the bloke who invented Knock-knock jokes has just been awarded a Nobell Prize.
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:aarrgh:
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My next door neighbour just confronted me about stuff going missing from her washing line. I nearly crapped her pants.
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:facepalm:
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;D
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Breaking News:- The man who took an airline to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.
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:facepalm:
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;D
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I'll never forget my grandfather's final words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you little sh*t."
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:laugh:
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;D
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey-cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
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;D
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For those wishing to learn how to satisfy a woman: the G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.
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;D
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:laugh:
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::)
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There's a nudist convention next week. I might go if I have nothing on.
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:facepalm:
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;D
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The next person who asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch.
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;D
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:laugh:
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:basil: boom boom
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There's a Buddhist pizza parlour in Tibet that promises to make you one with everything.
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;D
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;D
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Inquisitive Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the University of East Anglia. It's their insatiable thirst for Norwich.
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:groan:
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;D
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Notice to Vegetarians: How many cows would there be in the world if we didn't eat them?
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:stars:
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I see you have a problem with this Simon. This is a cow: :cow: ;D
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:facepalm:
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:)x
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My granddad tried to warn everyone the Titanic would sink. They still kicked him out of the cinema. :icon_drowning:
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:)x
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;D
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I just got asked the time by an Argos delivery driver. I told him it was between 8am and 1pm.
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:D
This is a sore subject right now. I was supposed to have a piano delivered today between 8am and 6pm. Getting anxious when it hadn't arrived by 4pm, I phoned the removals firm. They told me they wouldn't be able to get to the vendor until 6.45pm at the earliest. I told them the vendors were going out at 6.30pm (they had a dress rehearsal)! The piano is now going to be delivered tomorrow between 4pm and 5pm. They promised faithfully - what choice did I have? In the meantime, my family and the vendors have both had a wasted day (although I did edit some photographs I had promised somebody for tomorrow).
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Hope it's not being delivered by Laurel and Hardy! ;D
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Hope it's not being delivered by Laurel and Hardy! ;D
Or the Chuckle Brothers :D
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Or Ant and Dec. :drink:
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Pick any trio of comedians of your choice and imagine what they could do with an antique piano whilst avowing it was like that when they picked it up 🙁.
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Oh dear! :facepalm:
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;D
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I married Way Too Young. Lovely Chinese girl.
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;D
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The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window, or aisle?" I replied, "Window or you'll what?"
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:facepalm:
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I fell off a 50-foot ladder today. Luckily it was from the first rung.
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;D
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I broke into a pet shop and stole a rabbit. Then I made a run for it. :bunny-giggle:
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:groan:
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I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
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My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
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:facepalm:
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;D
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My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
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“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.”
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I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park
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I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
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:aarrgh:
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;D
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I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park
I'm going to have to borrow that one ;D
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:)x
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My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
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:crazy:
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:)x
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I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.
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:facepalm:
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;D
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I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife. He's been really miserable lately.
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;D
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I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
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:groan:
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I used to be frightened of Horse Chestnuts, but managed to conker my fear.
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Oh dear! :facepalm:
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;D
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I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven't got a gig.
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:groan:
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Aaaaaargh :)x
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My local travel agent advertised tickets for a gig by one direction including transport (but they offered return tickets for the bus) It must have been a con so I did not go as that's two directions.
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:facepalm:
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:laugh:
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I went to see a psychic and when I knocked on the door she called out "Who is it?" So I left.
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Love it, as she would say "I did not see that coming" ;D
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;D
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants.
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;D