PC Pals Forum
General Discussion => The Laughter Zone => Topic started by: Clive on December 13, 2006, 22:38
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Q: What is Santa's favourite pizza?
A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even
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::) Have you been opening your Christmas Crackers early? :santa:
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What goes 'Oh oh oh'?
Santa walking backwards!
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:slug:
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LIttle Johnny's mother answers the front door on Christmas morning. It is her next door neighbour, angry. 'Your little Johnny,' she says, 'has peed in the snow in my front garden!'
'I'm sure it wasn't him,' says Johnny's mother, not sure at all.
'It was indeed,' says her neighbour, 'because he's signed his name in pee in the snow.'
'Chill out,' says Johnny's mother. 'It's a white Christmas. Lots of little boys pee their name in the snow.'
'I know,' says her neighbour, ' but this was in my Sharon's handwriting!'
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Festive Facts: #43
Long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But this particular year it was just one problem after another. Four of his elves had pulled a sickie, and the trainee elves couldn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Thus Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being way behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus suddenly announced that her mum was coming to visit. That stressed Santa even more. He went to harness the reindeer and found that three of them were about to give birth and another two had jumped the fence and legged it, heaven knows where. More Stress... Then, as he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and his toy bag fell to the ground, scattering all the toys into the deep snow. So, frustrated, Santa went back to the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
He went the booze cupboard but found the elves had already got there first and there wasn't a drop of anything left to drink. Then, In his anger and frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it smashed into pieces all over the kitchen floor. Upon getting the broom he found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Grrrrrr...
Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa cursed and grumbled his way to the front door. Opening it, he came face-to-face with a little angel carrying a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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'Twas the night before Christmas...
(politically correct version!)
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
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The shape of things to come MB. ;D
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Entering Heaven
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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The 12 Days of Christmas, Deconstructed
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me:
* TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
* ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
* TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
* NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
* EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Europeans,
* SEVEN endangered swans swimming on protected wetlands,
* SIX enslaved fowl-Europeans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
* FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-European enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.
* FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
* THREE deconstructionist poets,
* TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
* And an Animal Rights activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
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:haha:
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A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain", he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
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boo!!! ;D
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:aarrgh: :slug:
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well said clive!
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The Housewife's Lament
T'was the night before Christmas
(kitchen version)
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I can't take any more;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles, "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's taking so long...aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
"MY GOD WOMAN," he screams, "YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh s**t it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!! :xmas:
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You HAVE been busy MB! ;D Women really shouldn't be allowed in the kitchen.
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I'm quite happy to stay out of the kitchen, but we would starve otherwise. :xmas:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE&eurl=
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Chrismas carols for the disturbed
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me!
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ... oooh look at the Froggy ... can I have a chocolate ... why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
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:haha:
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:lol: