PC Pals Forum

General Discussion => The Laughter Zone => Topic started by: Rodders on December 21, 2014, 12:01

Title: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on December 21, 2014, 12:01
WANTED:
Assistant required to fill hourglasses with sand.  No timewasters.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on December 21, 2014, 12:30
 :arf:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on December 21, 2014, 16:34
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on March 10, 2015, 12:39
As a child I was made to walk the plank.  We couldn't afford a dog.   :(
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on March 10, 2015, 13:08
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on March 10, 2015, 17:34
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on March 14, 2015, 02:07
My wife accused me of being immature.  I said "Shut up and get out of my fort."
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on March 14, 2015, 10:26
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on March 25, 2015, 19:40
I couldn't log into PC-Pals last night so I sat and chatted with the wife instead.  I was surprised to hear she no longer works at Woolworths.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on March 25, 2015, 20:27
We now have a minging Co op where our lovely Woolies used to be.   :bawl:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on March 25, 2015, 21:21
Yuk! 
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on April 11, 2015, 00:34
I'm going to take up this offer I saw on Amazon today.  If you buy some Adam Ant sheet music they'll throw in a free stand, and deliver.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 11, 2015, 09:24
:aarrgh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 11, 2015, 12:11
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on April 13, 2015, 00:28
It's been reported that 25% of Britons fail to get grade C or higher in GCSE maths.  Disgraceful.  That's more than half.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 13, 2015, 06:56
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 13, 2015, 17:30
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on April 28, 2015, 21:22
A bloke goes into the opticians.  "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes," says the man.  "Have you ever seen a doctor?" asks the optician.  The man replies, "No, just spots."
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 28, 2015, 21:35
:sigh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 28, 2015, 22:48
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on May 01, 2015, 15:38
It's strange, isn't it.  You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaarrrghhhh!" and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 01, 2015, 18:16
 :devil:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on May 01, 2015, 22:36
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on May 02, 2015, 11:34
I rang up a local building firm and said "I want a skip outside my house."  He said, "I'm not stopping you."  (https://www.pc-pals.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv300%2FMothballs%2FSmileys%2Fhardhat_zpsqlfh0dwk.gif&hash=07f2d9398ee83db451ca54a1bacd65f6)
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on May 02, 2015, 11:42
 :basil:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 02, 2015, 13:05
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on May 05, 2015, 14:28
I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"  I said, "No, just a watch."
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 05, 2015, 14:32
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on May 05, 2015, 15:59
 :D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on May 06, 2015, 10:03
In a restaurant a man asks the waiter, "I'm just wondering how you prepare your chickens?"  "Nothing special, sir.  We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on May 06, 2015, 11:08
:bawl:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 06, 2015, 13:59
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 02, 2015, 23:34
Apparently, double-barreled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 03, 2015, 07:08
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 03, 2015, 15:26
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 09, 2015, 13:59
My local pub is organizing a Hop fest this summer.  I'm not sure whether it's a beer festival or Heather Mills' birthday.  :dunno:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 09, 2015, 14:16
Ouch!  ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 09, 2015, 14:39
 :o:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 11, 2015, 22:01
Last night I was sat on the edge of the bed, pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me, "Darling, please don't do that to the dogs."
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 11, 2015, 22:02
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.  I'm not sure what startled him the most, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 11, 2015, 22:07
I got so sick of the Trick or Treaters last Halloween that I turned off the light and pretended I wasn't at home.  B*ll*cks to the ships.  My lighthouse, my rules.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 11, 2015, 22:31
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 12, 2015, 16:14
 :laugh:  Love it!
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 22, 2015, 00:24
After almost a year in a coma, my wife is having to start learning the basics again: how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 22, 2015, 08:50
 :pmsl:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 22, 2015, 11:39
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 24, 2015, 01:20
It is my sad duty to advise you that Britain's fattest man has died.  The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 24, 2015, 07:12
 :D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 24, 2015, 16:43
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 29, 2015, 12:43
I just ate a KFC completely smothered in ketchup.  It's just one of many things I like to do while smothered in Ketchup.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 29, 2015, 14:00
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 09, 2015, 11:40
A midget walks into a second hand book shop and asks, "Have you any books on Irony ?"  Shopkeeper replies, "Top shelf mate".
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 09, 2015, 12:22
 :crazy:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 09, 2015, 12:59
 :o:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 13, 2015, 11:21
Last night I was tickling my son's feet and my wife started yelling at me, "Can't you wait until he's born?"
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 13, 2015, 12:57
  ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 13, 2015, 19:02
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 14, 2015, 02:08
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault really.  I should have taken them off.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 14, 2015, 07:13
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 14, 2015, 10:11
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 22, 2015, 17:15
What's black and screams?  Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 22, 2015, 18:54
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 22, 2015, 19:32
 :aarrgh:  ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 24, 2015, 13:56
Anyone here called Phillip?  I think I've found your screwdriver.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 24, 2015, 14:02
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 24, 2015, 14:36
 :bawl:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 24, 2015, 16:45
——I had amnesia once – or twice.
 Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
 I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
 What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
 They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
 Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
 Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
 Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
 What if there were no hypothetical questions?
 One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
 A torch is a carrying case for dead batteries.
 What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
 I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
 The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
 How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
 Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
 Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot
 If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
 Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
 It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 24, 2015, 17:01
You could have got about 20 posts out of them, Den!   :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 24, 2015, 18:32
:arf:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 29, 2015, 14:40
Three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey I'm home!"
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 29, 2015, 16:57
 :haha:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 29, 2015, 17:07
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 31, 2015, 00:56
When I was a kid we were so poor we would go to the KFC and lick other people's fingers.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 31, 2015, 09:14
 :ack: ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 31, 2015, 09:37
Finger lickin' good!   ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 06, 2015, 01:55
I thought having a vasectomy would prevent my wife getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 06, 2015, 08:35
 :pmsl:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 06, 2015, 09:28
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 10, 2015, 00:21
The other day I held the door open for a clown.  I thought it was a nice jester.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 10, 2015, 08:15
 :aarrgh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 10, 2015, 12:49
:groan:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 15, 2015, 22:16
I've taken up speed-reading and last night managed War And Peace in 28 seconds.  I know it's only three words, but it's a start.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 15, 2015, 23:49
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 16, 2015, 11:58
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 19, 2015, 17:49
I never wanted to believe that my son was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 19, 2015, 18:38
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 19, 2015, 22:07
 :groan:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 29, 2015, 19:04
I farted on the bus today and four people turned round.  Felt like I was on The Voice.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 29, 2015, 19:13
 :devil:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 29, 2015, 20:06
The what?   :dunno:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on August 29, 2015, 21:59
surely that can't before your time Simon  :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 29, 2015, 22:30
No, that, and shows like it, are a scourge of these times, Den.   ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 30, 2015, 12:04
I can't watch them either!   :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on August 30, 2015, 17:16
Me neither, but at least I know what they are.  ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on January 20, 2016, 23:55
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on January 21, 2016, 09:45
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on January 21, 2016, 11:54
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on February 03, 2016, 22:11
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 03, 2016, 22:58
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on February 04, 2016, 09:52
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on February 06, 2016, 12:24
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "What the f*ck are you doing?"
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on February 06, 2016, 13:31
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 06, 2016, 15:06
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on March 28, 2016, 00:46
Pritt isn't the best lip-balm I've ever used, but I can't complain.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on March 28, 2016, 09:43
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on March 30, 2016, 16:01
Looking back, I now wish I'd bought my baked beans online.  Heinz site's a wonderful thing.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on March 30, 2016, 17:31
 :-\ ::)
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on March 30, 2016, 21:41
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on April 17, 2016, 18:01
Sometimes I use big words I don't fully understand in an effort to make myself seem more photosynthesis.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 17, 2016, 19:50
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 17, 2016, 20:17
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on May 12, 2016, 14:58
I like to walk around the house naked, but the police made me go back indoors.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on May 12, 2016, 15:53
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 12, 2016, 21:03
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 16, 2016, 11:21
My mate David had his ID stolen the other day.  Now we just call him Dav.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 16, 2016, 13:00
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 16, 2016, 14:18
 :devil:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Serenity on June 16, 2016, 21:56
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it  :thumbs:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 16, 2016, 22:31
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 17, 2016, 11:44
 :grrr:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 02, 2016, 11:54
Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 02, 2016, 14:12
 ::)
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Serenity on July 03, 2016, 09:37
As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia!  :stars:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 03, 2016, 09:44
Who are you?  :dunno:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 03, 2016, 10:02
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 04, 2016, 21:24
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 04, 2016, 21:25
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 04, 2016, 21:28
Why wasn't Jesus born in the Liverpool? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.  :devil:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 04, 2016, 21:58
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 04, 2016, 22:33
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on July 21, 2016, 10:40
I spent a couple of hours at the wife's grave this morning.  She thinks I'm digging a pond.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 21, 2016, 11:15
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 21, 2016, 16:53
 :devil:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 22, 2016, 21:29
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 22, 2016, 21:31
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 22, 2016, 21:31
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on July 22, 2016, 21:33
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana


o O o

 You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream


o O o

 You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon


o O o

 You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter


o O o
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on July 22, 2016, 22:27
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on July 23, 2016, 20:42
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 01, 2016, 23:33
Apparently the bloke who invented Knock-knock jokes has just been awarded a Nobell Prize.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 02, 2016, 11:34
 :aarrgh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 03, 2016, 18:19
My next door neighbour just confronted me about stuff going missing from her washing line.  I nearly crapped her pants.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 03, 2016, 20:58
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 03, 2016, 21:00
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 24, 2016, 14:17
Breaking News:- The man who took an airline to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on August 24, 2016, 16:38
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 24, 2016, 19:46
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on November 03, 2016, 12:03
I'll never forget my grandfather's final words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you little sh*t."
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on November 03, 2016, 12:54
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on November 03, 2016, 13:04
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on November 08, 2016, 10:35
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey-cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on November 08, 2016, 13:28
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on January 18, 2017, 12:25
For those wishing to learn how to satisfy a woman: the G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on January 18, 2017, 12:41
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on January 18, 2017, 14:41
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on January 18, 2017, 16:36
 ::)
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on January 27, 2017, 14:54
There's a nudist convention next week.  I might go if I have nothing on.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on January 27, 2017, 15:38
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on January 27, 2017, 17:32
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on February 01, 2017, 00:14
The next person who asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 01, 2017, 07:18
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on February 01, 2017, 09:49
 :laugh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: daveeb on February 01, 2017, 10:33
 :basil: boom boom
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on February 12, 2017, 23:26
There's a Buddhist pizza parlour in Tibet that promises to make you one with everything.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 12, 2017, 23:54
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on February 13, 2017, 11:40
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on February 15, 2017, 01:34
Inquisitive Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the University of East Anglia.  It's their insatiable thirst for Norwich.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 15, 2017, 08:55
:groan:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on February 15, 2017, 10:09
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on February 18, 2017, 15:00
Notice to Vegetarians:  How many cows would there be in the world if we didn't eat them?
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 18, 2017, 18:10
:stars:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on February 18, 2017, 21:28
I see you have a problem with this Simon.   This is a cow: :cow:  ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 18, 2017, 21:48
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: daveeb on February 18, 2017, 22:54
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on April 26, 2018, 23:07
My granddad tried to warn everyone the Titanic would sink.  They still kicked him out of the cinema.   :icon_drowning:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 27, 2018, 00:11
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 27, 2018, 09:33
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on May 10, 2018, 22:44
I just got asked the time by an Argos delivery driver.  I told him it was between 8am and 1pm.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: GillE on May 11, 2018, 00:05
 :D

This is a sore subject right now.  I was supposed to have a piano delivered today between 8am and 6pm.  Getting anxious when it hadn't arrived by 4pm, I phoned the removals firm. They told me they wouldn't be able to get to the vendor until 6.45pm at the earliest.  I told them the vendors were going out at 6.30pm (they had a dress rehearsal)!  The piano is now going to be delivered tomorrow between 4pm and 5pm.  They promised faithfully - what choice did I have?  In the meantime, my family and the vendors have both had a wasted day (although I did edit some photographs I had promised somebody for tomorrow).
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on May 11, 2018, 00:12
Hope it's not being delivered by Laurel and Hardy!   ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: daveeb on May 13, 2018, 13:37
Hope it's not being delivered by Laurel and Hardy!   ;D

Or the Chuckle Brothers  :D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 13, 2018, 16:00
Or Ant and Dec.    :drink:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: GillE on May 16, 2018, 00:54
Pick any trio of comedians of your choice and imagine what they could do with an antique piano whilst avowing it was like that when they picked it up 🙁.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on May 16, 2018, 08:56
Oh dear!   :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 16, 2018, 10:43
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 07, 2018, 14:06
I married Way Too Young.  Lovely Chinese girl.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on June 07, 2018, 17:30
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 13, 2018, 11:09
The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window, or aisle?"  I replied, "Window or you'll what?"
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 13, 2018, 12:42
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on August 06, 2018, 23:14
I fell off a 50-foot ladder today. Luckily it was from the first rung.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on August 07, 2018, 10:10
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on February 17, 2019, 12:56
I broke into a pet shop and stole a rabbit.  Then I made a run for it.   :bunny-giggle:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on February 17, 2019, 14:51
:groan:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on March 07, 2019, 17:52
 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on March 07, 2019, 17:53
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on March 07, 2019, 17:55
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: GillE on March 07, 2019, 19:30
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on March 07, 2019, 20:11
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on March 10, 2019, 17:16
My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on March 10, 2019, 17:24
“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.”
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Den on March 10, 2019, 17:31
I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on April 06, 2019, 12:49
I swallowed a dictionary.  It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 06, 2019, 13:15
:aarrgh:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 06, 2019, 14:54
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: daveeb on April 07, 2019, 15:41
I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park
I'm going to have to borrow that one  ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 08, 2019, 14:38
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on April 18, 2019, 11:53
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 18, 2019, 12:20
 :crazy:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on April 18, 2019, 14:26
 :)x
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: GillE on April 30, 2019, 20:33
I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on April 30, 2019, 22:03
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 01, 2019, 08:58
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on May 28, 2019, 23:35
I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife.  He's been really miserable lately.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Clive on May 29, 2019, 08:58
 ;D
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Rodders on June 14, 2019, 23:48
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.  She was a mathemachicken.
Title: Re: One-liners
Post by: Simon on June 15, 2019, 00:02
:groan: