OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a
handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.
MEN. Have a bit of fun, Fill up a plastic squeeze bottle with water,
next time you go shopping near the super market place the bottle
between your legs and squeeze, people will complain that you are
urinating in a public place,
Just say "SMILE you are on candid camera"
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunch box with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or
bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to
turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match
in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source
of the escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where you're
going.
CONSTIPATED, No problem, go to the keep fit gym, and use one of those
vibrating belts around your bottom.
UNTIDY PEOPLE, get in a flat mate, then when visitors come, you can
blame the mess around your home onto your flat mate.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go
for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the
front window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them
in the garage.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see
which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully
checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before
accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50c to another charity shop. This way
you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by
blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to
carefully pull at your lower eyelids.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red
nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless
you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be
selected).
TROUBLE making your bed, use a bed spread instead of your bottom
sheet, that way when you have just jumped out of bed it looks almost
made. Using a another bed spread for your top sheet and it may look
even better.
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which
can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have
skinhead haircuts a day or two before departure.
GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting.
Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.
DYSLEXICS. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least
you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.
IF A SMALL CHILD is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.
MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.
This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make
a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of
getting the job.
BAD COUGH, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
DO YOU SLEEP IN? A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when
you hit the snooze button.
TOILET SEATS Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Topic: TOP TIPS (Read 901 times)