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Author Topic: Groaner thread  (Read 104055 times)

Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2002, 19:26 »
Now hold it right there Simon!  That's MY joke and I demand it back.  Have you been rummaging about in my computer again?
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Offline Serenity

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2002, 14:56 »
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,ut that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...........
 
 
 
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO'S."  ;D  ;D

Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2002, 15:47 »
Oh NO!!!!  Dreadful Serenity!  ;D  ;D  ;D
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Offline Sandra

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2002, 19:05 »
Oh Serenity that ones nearly as old as Clive  :D

Offline bat69

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2002, 19:15 »
Hee hee it was a good groaner Serenity, you next Clive ;D
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Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2002, 21:40 »
Ask, and you shall receive.   ;D


What do you get when you cross one of Lassie's puppies
with a cantaloupe?

A melon collie baby   ;D  ;D  ;D
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Offline bat69

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2002, 23:36 »
They just get better all the time ;D ;D
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Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2002, 16:03 »
THE VAMPIRE AND THE NUNS

Driving home one dark and stormy night, two nuns were
shocked when a vampire landed right on the hood of their
car.

With gleaming yellow eyes and razor-sharp fangs dripping
with blood, he slowly scratched on the windshield as the
red spatters ran up the glass onto the roof.

The nun who was driving and trying valiantly to keep the
car on the road, screamed to the other nun, "Show him
your cross!"

Immediately, the other nun leaned out of the car window
and yelled, "Get the hell off the hood of this car, now!"

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Online Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #23 on: November 08, 2002, 17:54 »
That was cleaned up a bit Clive!!   ;) ;D ;D
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Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #24 on: November 08, 2002, 18:18 »
But of course!  ;D  ;D  ;D
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Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #25 on: November 09, 2002, 23:23 »
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, calm down. Be a
little patient."
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Online Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #26 on: November 14, 2002, 07:34 »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is nearly dead!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger gave the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and started running in circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...

... "Nothin'... but you left your Injun runnin'."
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Offline Clive

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #27 on: November 16, 2002, 09:12 »
Why do Canibals never eat clowns?

"Because they taste funny."

--

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry we don't
serve food here."

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Offline Rodders

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #28 on: November 17, 2002, 11:53 »
Q.  What's brown and sticky?

A.  A stick

Online Simon

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Re:Groaner thread
« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2002, 21:47 »
One day, Smartie and Polo were enjoying a quiet drink in a bar. The bar door opened and in walked Humbug.

"Oh no!" shouted Polo, and dived underneath the table.

"What are you doing?" asked Smartie.

"That humbug always slaps me and bullies me whenever I see him, so I'm hiding," replied Polo.

"You should stand up to him," said the Smartie. "He'll respect you if you do."

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a smack.

"Get lost you stripey git, or I'll knock you out," said Polo.

"Na, no problem Polo mate, leave it," said Humbug and backed off.

Next night Smartie and Polo are sitting in the bar when Humbug walks in with his friend Tune.

"Oh no!" shouted Polo, and dived underneath the table.

"What are you doing?" asked Smartie.

"I know you told me to stand up to bullies, but he's with Tune," replied Polo.

"So?" said Smartie.

"He's bloody menthol."   ;D ;D
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