71
The Laughter Zone / Re: Valerie
« Last post by Clive on February 05, 2024, 08:26 »
Recent Posts
73
The Laughter Zone / Valerie
« Last post by Den on February 04, 2024, 19:13 »The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
76
The Laughter Zone / FA Cup tickets
« Last post by Den on January 31, 2024, 20:34 »A friend of mine has 2 tickets for FA Cup final . . Both are Box seats.
He paid £2500 each but he didn’t realize last year when he bought them,
it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place.
It’s at the Church of the good Shepard, at 3pm.
The bride’s name is Mary, she’s 5’5”, about 120lbs, very cute, and a good cook too.
She’ll be the one in the white dress.
He paid £2500 each but he didn’t realize last year when he bought them,
it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place.
It’s at the Church of the good Shepard, at 3pm.
The bride’s name is Mary, she’s 5’5”, about 120lbs, very cute, and a good cook too.
She’ll be the one in the white dress.
77
The Laughter Zone / Re: The Nun plays golf.
« Last post by Clive on January 27, 2024, 21:43 »Brillant! 
79
The Laughter Zone / The Nun plays golf.
« Last post by Den on January 27, 2024, 20:57 »A Nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball
popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the fecking putt, didn’t you?”
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball
popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the fecking putt, didn’t you?”
